Dazed, Horrified, and Elated

The past week or so hasn’t been easy for me.

At first, I couldn’t get off the review sites that mentioned my book (Winter’s Trial), but that paled quickly because it’s nerve wracking. I’ll probably write a blog entry about that when I’m not so green and tender. It has helped toughen me up and I’m getting better, but it has made me a teensy bit neurotic.

Then I became entranced by the Amazon ranking system. I actually placed on some specialized top seller lists, and I regret that I didn’t check it earlier because now I don’t know what my true peak was. As far as I know, I was on the Amazon.com top gay literature list at #80 and the top gay romance at #66.

I did much worse on Amazon.uk, where I don’t think I ever saw myself rank anywhere.

Amazon.ca was much better, though. I can only assume my book was the only new thing on sale there in the last three years – I don’t know how their ranking system is different, but I ranked what seems abnormally high. When I first checked I was #815 overall. Out of all Kindle books. I didn’t check where I placed on the top seller lists on Amazon.ca, but later when I realized what those funky numbers were, I had fallen to #1,671 overall, but I was at #12 in gay romance and #16 in gay literature. Where the hell did I place when I was #815 overall?

My novel seems to be rather polarizing. I don’t want to get into it too in depth, but it seems to be one of those things where you love it or hate it. I thought some of the material might be objectionable (i.e. bullying, lots of swearing, no explicitly described sex, etc.) but I haven’t run into that yet. I’m sure I will, but my ego is rather fragile at the moment, so I hope it waits. Winter’s Trial seems to either touch people or leave them cold–the latter of which I truly do not understand. I have my theories about why, most of which are substantiated by a few reviews on GoodReads, but I will wait until later to get into that.

I had a few people track me down to say they loved my book. That was so odd to me that I still can’t wrap my mind around it. One even wrote a post on her blog about my book, which was so sweet and overwhelming and wonderful that I can’t properly express it. I had just read my first negative review, so her note and post lifted me up way more than you can imagine. (Here is her post, in case anyone wants to read it: http://einatsu.tumblr.com/post/59182495468/werewolf-fantasy-gay-romantic-novel)

It’s been nerve wracking, to say the least. I have been dazed, woozy, and out of touch for two weeks.

Part of me wants to never write anything ever again. Thankfully, that’s a terribly small part of my mind – a very cowardly part, I might add. Another is calculating, working on the short story or novella I will begin again shortly (I am SO not up for a full length novel at this point). Another seems to have abandoned the larger, overly ambitious project that was waking me up at night and had me writing notes at work. Another part saw a note I made and started circling in my mind like a flock of pissed off vultures, ready to peck the remains of my mind for the juicy and particularly rotten bits.

For any future writers, I cannot overstress the oft-repeated advice I have ignored: don’t wait until the current project is finished and published to begin another. Working on something new and fresh (and preferably shorter) lessens the impact of those Philistines who have the nerve to express their own opinions and not like all your hard work. It gives you hope for the future. Most of all, it helps relieve the separation anxiety, the feeling of being adrift at sea with nothing to anchor you and no destination. It turns your nebulous “someday” plans into reality.

So, tomorrow, I think. Tomorrow I will start the short story/novella.

I’m happy to report that the thought fills me with joy.


~ by Darren Endymion on September 3, 2013.

2 Responses to “Dazed, Horrified, and Elated”

  1. Hi Darren


    Since I’m from Brasil, It was gratifying to realise that like me, Cristiano was a Brazilian also… I’m just not from Rio, I’m from São Paulo. 🙂

    Can’t wait to get my hands on some sequels – Taylor, Quinton, Joao’s story.

    Keep gifting your readers with amazing stories like this one and don’t worry so much… It’s impossible to please everybody. Focus on writing for your own pleasure and be sure that the people that loved this first work will come back for more.


    Hugs from Brazil

    • Thank you again. Your e-mail and your comments here mean a lot to me. You helped alleviate my fear that I slaughtered the Portuguese (just a little), and you made my day. Thanks so much.

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