Another Wedding? Damn Everything!

Yes, some of this is a retread, but I’m ripping myself away from the soul-eating succubus that is Disgaea D2 and writing other stuff tonight (yaye!). So, I pulled out something brief that…well…I might have mentioned before but with more dramatic details.

I’ve mentioned before that I love Halloween. The entire month of October is dedicated to watching horror movies and decorating and shoveling candy corn in my face and spending every weekend with my closest friends and generally wishing I could stop time and eat up autumn.

Then one of my friends had to ruin it by planning his wedding in October.

I am thankfully not in the wedding party for this one, but my closest friends are, meaning I will be spending some of October alone. It is, of course, all about ME. *cackle*

I wish the best for my friend, but he totally jumped into this one. Met, moved in three months later, developed a relationship based on need and alcohol, became engaged about two months later, and decided to have the wedding little more than a year after meeting his betrothed. Whatever, if they are happy, then I’m happy for them.

The wedding is going to be a mess, though, and a veritable illustrated encyclopedia of gay stereotypes. Empty stomachs, profound amounts of booze, more Madonna music than any one person should be subjected to, ditto the Sex and the City quotes (my friend is convinced that he’s Carrie Bradshaw when he’s more like Any Winehouse), a group of raging alcoholics, and one person’s day to be the most popular person on the planet, all to celebrate a relationship based on sycophancy and booze.

I was offered payment to take someone’s place at the *ahem* “bridal” shower. I declined. I was on the receiving end of a text-tantrum about not wanting to go to said shower weekend. I laughed. I was not, however, given the opportunity to bring a guest to the wedding. So, I plan to fake leprosy and have the person I intended to bring pick me up early. Last year I got a flu shot and had the typical reaction to it – a fever and mild crankiness. I’m wondering if I can fit in this year’s shot a few hours before the wedding. “No, really. Feel my forehead. I’m totally *fake cough* sick. *adoring Pikachu eyes* I came here to support you on your wonderful day. *genuine gag*”


“You’re the most wonderful, beautiful person EVER! Squeeee!” *vomit, convulse, die*

Notice that I am only mentioning my friend and not his husband-to-be? Yeah, because the HTB is immaterial. This isn’t his day, it’s my friend’s. Did I forget to mention the fact that my friend has been texting his ex literally morning and night, telling the ex that he thinks about him every day and he misses him?

Hot Mess Express

Given that my friend (whom I do love very much, despite my bitching) is infringing on my Halloween weekends, maybe I’ll listen to clips from The Exorcist during the ceremony. Horrifying movie, yes. But when you take certain quotes out of context, they are freakin’ hilarious. Considering that Groom #2 is more obsessed than in love, I think this is how it would go:

Priest equivalent: Who gives this groom away?

The Exorcist: [pointing to the nipped, tucked, over-boobed, surgery-laden mother of Groom #1] Your mother sucks cocks in hell!


Priest equivalent: Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?

The Exorcist: [glaring at the crowd] You keep away! The sow is mine!

Priest equivalent:  …to have and to hold…

The Exorcist: Now kindly undo these straps!

Priest equivalent: …from this day forward…

The Exorcist: Until she rots and lies stinking in the earth.

Priest equivalent: …as long as you both shall live?

The Exorcist: [raspy] Uhhh-huuuuuuh.

Priest equivalent: Then, by the power…

The Exorcist: The power of Christ compels you!

Priest equivalent: …vested in me…

The Exorcist: It is He who commands you! The blood of the martyrs commands you!

Priest equivalent: …I pronounce you…

The Exorcist: Faithless slime!

Priest equivalent: …husband and husband…

The Exorcist:  La plume de ma tante! [growl, raspy cackle]

Priest equivalent: You may now kiss.

The Exorcist: Stick your cock up her ass, you motherfucking worthless cocksucker!

*cackling like a lunatic* Please remind me not to listen to the audiobook for The Exorcist before coming here to write. Dangerous, offensive things happen.

You realize, of course, I am going to think these things throughout the entire ceremony and I will be giggling my ass off, nearly exploding with the effort of trying to stop it.

Rather like this.

Rather like this.

Yeah. This should be fun. If it’s particularly heinous, I will share the juicer details.

What fun is misery if you can’t share it?


~ by Darren Endymion on October 10, 2013.

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