Cosmic Joke

Sometimes I can’t help but wonder if humans aren’t some cosmic joke.

Everything that tastes good or which is too extreme (food, sex, etc.) will kill you slowly. Candy = diabetes. Fast food = death. Too much sex = disease. Processed foods = life expectancy of 40 years. Pizza and chili fries = downward spiral of shame.

Thankfully, I have a naturally high metabolism that won’t let me go beyond a little thick. Thankfully, I am not even at that point right now. Not for lack of trying, mind you. But I lost weight and was working out and I hated every second of it.

Life is like Australia–everything wants to hurt you (and probably bathe in your blood).

Elizabeth Báthory. 10 points if you got this reference without having to Google her.

Elizabeth Báthory. 10 points if you got this reference without having to Google her — even if her most infamous sickness probably never happened, she was still a very, very sick murderess.

And don’t feel obligated to be a pretentious health nut and say, “Fruit is nature’s candy!” Shut up, Marge Simpson! This isn’t the place for you. *cackle, bitter* I love fruit and vegetables, but I’m wondering why Nerds and chocolate and deep fried foods and butter and delicious decadence isn’t healthy for you. It’s like we were programmed to like the things which will rot us from the inside out.

too much candy

The average weekend with my friends and I

And working out holds no fun for me, and I don’t think it really does for anyone. It hurts. If you’re pushing yourself and doing it right, you are straining your muscles and this results in pain. The act of working out, the actual process is painful and invasive. Your muscles do not feel good after. They are exhausted and they hurt. And unless you are a goddamned Cenobite, who takes joy and sexual pleasure out of being tortured, then working out is not fun.


Cenobites — are you really striving to be like them?

Anyone who says that working out makes you feel good is lying. No. It’s painful. The aftermath, when you are healthy and your body looks good and you feel good and you have that sense of accomplishment–those are the things that make working out worth it.

What of sex, then? You want to die fast? Go for it. Chlamydia, societal shame, gonorrhea, HIV, pregnancy…all these terrible things can happen from sex. And it only takes one slip up for any or all of these things to happen. Only one. It may not happen this time…but what about the next?

Yes, he's hot, but your death may dangle between his creamy thighs

Yes, he’s hot, but your death may dangle between his creamy thighs

What? Yes, I’ve gained a little weight this Halloween season. So what if I’m feeling a little insecure? Maybe I DID recently run into an ex who only looks better and skinnier as he ages. What of it? Maybe he DID hit on me and I refused to even consider taking my clothes off in front of him because Halloween has made me feel like Jabba the Hut’s hideous brother. Maybe I am butter…I mean bitter. So what if that’s where this amusing little rant comes from. Humans could still be a cosmic joke.

Don’t judge me! *cackle, running away to eat more candy*

~ by Darren Endymion on October 14, 2013.

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