Life Updates

Here are updates on all sorts of crap that has been going on lately, as many loose ends seem to have tied themselves up within the past week. It has been eventful.

State of mind — Yeah, after the slightly egomaniacal, whiny tantrum I threw in my last entry, a two hour conversation with my ex, a longer one with my uncle, and a visit from Beverly, my very dear and oldest friend, I feel much better. It wasn’t a good look and I apologize for the tender eyes I offended. (I’m not retracting the major points, but lord, I was annoying. Who needs another tirade?). My uncle found my blog. When I finally returned his call he sort of hesitated and said, “Uh…are you okay?” Apparently not.

That, I believe, was the result of my typical refusing to show or feel much emotion, and the various issues that will be discussed below. A word of advice: don’t hold it all in. It explodes eventually.

Work — We haven’t been moved yet, but my supervisor is doing reviews, so I have decided to not pester him too much. I’m buckling down, preparing to become the hermit that will get me through the horror of our busiest month (January), and it’s not time yet. I was pulled out of my hibernation by a friend…and the fact that I haven’t seen Catching Fire yet, and the next Hobbit movie is coming soon. Hibernation, hell. I’m going.

The Move — I’ve decided to rent the room. I went, looked at it, and had my ex measure the room based off my furniture and I fit. It’s a temporary thing, thankfully, but truly the only way to achieve my goals. I realize that freedom will be an issue, and that was my biggest hesitation, but the good outweighs the bad.

The Infamous Interview — I’m sucking it up, getting over myself and the imagined conundrum, filling out the damned thing, and plan to send it back tomorrow. In retrospect after my tantrum, it seems so trivial. I dunno what I was thinking. Or maybe it was the focus for my larger dissatisfaction.

The Blockage — Ewwwe. No, not that kind. Through the talks I had, I realized the source of the biggest issues I was letting demotivate me from writing. It is a variety of issues, and the largest of them don’t bear talking about, but let it rest with this: it’s something I can deal with, I think. It wasn’t the writing or even the horrid nerves as reviews happened, but rather the post production which chafed and traumatized and disillusioned me.

Regardless, it’s beyond my control, but I liken it to those surfers who are thoroughly chewed my some shark roughly the size of an infant Megalodon and, when sewn back together by a skilled surgeon/seamstress, get right back into the water. They bravely dangle their naughty bits to potentially be sampled by other toothy denizens of the deep. It’s about not letting the fear (or the fear of irritation) stop me. So, I shall plunge in and dangle my bits.

The Process — The process of writing is fine. It’s always scary, sure. I’m reminded of a passage from Stephen King’s Misery. Paul is thinking about writing and considering that it’s like driving fast with no known destination, knowing that it was good to begin, knowing that he will never write as good as he wants to, but knowing it’s an act of bravery.

That I can handle. I’ve done it before. It’s part of the thrill, the rush, the make-believe is always fun, and watching things spin out from my mind to the screen like some thread of tenuous telepathy is awe inspiring. That I can handle.

The Progress — I have picked up and reviewed my notes. I expanded on a little bit of the world building for my next (seeming eternally in progress) project. I finished something else I was working on in preparation. I wrote out the points of the second wolf book beginning. That was just today. I’m excited and not dreading it. The storm of self-indulgent stupidity is waning. I hope.

So, I feel cleansed and can only thank my friends (and isolated family) for being my sounding boards and, after being good people and listening to my doubts, irritation, insecurity, and pain, basically told me to shut the fuck up, stop whining, and just do it.

If they weren’t right, I would have attempt to have them evicted from the planet.

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~ by Darren Endymion on December 10, 2013.

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