Heat, Allergies, and The Golden Girls

So, I’m here to give a little advice.

When trapped in one room during a random heatwave with nothing but your boxes, a wavering Wi-Fi connection, and an urge to clean, do not give in. And certainly do not decide to watch an episode of Hoarders which takes place in the very city you want to move to early next year. A city where the temperature is a lovely 30 degrees lower than the allergy-inducing sauna you are currently suffering in.

Just walk away.

Just walk away.

There was nothing good about it.

Said heatwave is caused by winds coming off the desert. I have compared that in the past to the foul winds from Satan’s anus blowing over his pestiferous, diseased taint to poison and pollute our lives.

No, seriously. This is a real picture of what these winds have done in the past.

No, seriously. This is a real picture of what these winds have done in the past.

My ex suffers from the worst allergies because of these winds. I was getting over being sick when the winds came to kill us and my allergies kicked up (usually induced by these winds and/or large, sudden changes in temperature). I was snorting, sweating, sniffling, and coughing. This all led to my voice dropping over an octave, and me giving off most of the signs of possession.

I went around, alternating between singing Ol’ Man River and emulating Dorothy Zbornak. I felt hideous and troll-like.


I whispered quotes from the Exorcist. I rolled around in my bed. I watched no less than five episodes of Hoarders, which made me anxious to clean, but it was too hot to actually do it. I don’t think that a weekend in Shady Pines could have been worse.


Instead of cleaning, I took a nap, ate pizza, watched The Golden Girls, and then played the long awaited South Park: The Stick of Truth.

I think I might have just come up with the ultimate definition of a gay geek…


~ by Darren Endymion on March 11, 2014.

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