A = Abominable Snowman (A-Z Challenge)

When I was a kid I loved amusement parks and the faster rides contained therein. However, I could only go on rides for which the height restrictions were minimal, as I was a very small child. This pretty much left Disneyland, and one of my most loved and hated rides was the Matterhorn Bobsleds.

It seemed so fast and sleek to me, and as an overly imaginative child I always pretended that I was on an expedition in uncharted territory, that I was the boy explorer with secret psychic powers which would aid me on my quest for jewels, treasure and, probably, some hidden path to Oz or Narnia, from which I would obviously be smart enough to never return. (Those bitches always seemed to miss their families or try to investigate some bullshit they knew they shouldn’t. Screw that! I would have pushed my family into the Deadly Desert so fast…and a lamppost? No thanks. If it feels like a barrier, it probably is one. I’m staying, thanks.)

I'm Going to Narnia

Well, my psychic powers failed me on the Matterhorn ride, because I never knew when the Abominable Fucking Snowman was going to pop out, roar, and turn me into some horrified infant girl. I grew up watching Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, Aliens, etc. and I was fine. Yet one animatronic dildo with matted fake fur and glowing eyes scared the hell out of me.

Said dildo.

Said dildo.

It wasn’t that he was so scary, it was that I made up a whole back story for him, and it changed so that he could scare me anew each time I saw him. Sometimes he was a human who was turned into a yeti by the evil magick of the mountain. Other times he was a once captive beast who had never known kindness and had broken free from his bonds, now preferring to snack on humans, sucking the marrow from their severed limbs. (I didn’t say I was a well-balanced child). Then he was the beast from Hoth, angry about his missing limb, who had been teleported to Earth to get the arms of children — because their arms would still grow, you see. (Duh.)

Wanted: one snuggly young boy for cuddles and arm wrestling.

Wanted: one snuggly young boy for cuddles and arm wrestling.

Had I been older, I would have associated him with the Christmas movies depicting him as a grumpy but lovable pet in need of an ornament and a hug (with both arms, thankyouverymuch). If I was much younger, I could have associated him with the Pokémon. Instead, I had some bitter, armless creature and an overactive imagination.

Much easier to deal with.

Much easier to deal with.

The real (or not) abominable snowman is supposed to be in the Himalayan region of Tibet and Nepal. In pre-19th century mythology, the yeti were said to have been ape-like Glacier Beings whose blood was used for mystical ceremonies. (Again with the blood and severing of things!). In the 20th century, people took photos of footprints which supposedly can neither be explained as fakes nor confirmed. A scalp was found which looks like the owner would immediately be required to lip-synch for his/her life. In 1957, poop was found with unknown parasites, implying that, since every organism has its own parasites, the creature from whose bum this feces was expelled was also unknown to science. Other footprints were found in this century which were too morphologically correct to be fake.

I think it’s arrogant to believe that we know all the creatures on the remote spots of this earth (especially when one thinks of the ocean, of which we have explored something ridiculous like 5-15%). Might the yeti not be some ape which adapted to the cold? Is it likely to be a hoax? Either way, I couldn’t care less. What I can tell you is that, though I laugh at the abominable snowman at Disneyland now, the thought of a real one is intriguing and terrifying.

Almost as intriguing as the thought of a literal abominable snowman, perhaps brought to live by an angry Snow Queen?

Almost as intriguing as the thought of a literal abominable snowman, perhaps brought to live by an angry Snow Queen?

Alternate letter considerations: Abercrombie and Fitch, Age, Absolution, Animaniacs.

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~ by Darren Endymion on May 1, 2014.

One Response to “A = Abominable Snowman (A-Z Challenge)”

  1. Reblogged this on Armchair Bigfooter.

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