C = Cartman (A-Z Challenge)

Jimmy Valmer: Hey, fellas, where is Cartman?
Stan Marsh: Cartman isn’t our friend anymore.
Kyle Broflovski : We’re ignoring him.
Token Black: Ignoring him? How come?
Kyle Broflovski : Because he’s a fat, racist, self-centered, intolerant, manipulating sociopath.
Token Black: Oh, yeah.

All that may be true, but is there any greater, more amusing sociopath than Eric Cartman?

Me.

Evidence.

I am almost at a loss for words when it comes to Eric Cartman. From Weight Gain 4000 to Casa Bonita to Fat Butt and Pancake Head to the personal favorite La Petite Tourette, Cartman’s antics have made the series South Park what it is in many ways. There are too many things to mention, and as soon as I finish writing this and post it, I will think of a dozen episodes I should have mentioned (Scott Tenorman Must Die, The Red Badge of Gayness, Awesome-O, The Wacky Molestation Adventure, Cartmanland, Ginger Kids, etc.).

Whateva

Eric Cartman is a kid who pretended his hand was a more talented Jennifer Lopez (Taco, taco!), gave another kid HIV for making fun of him, tied a kid to a flagpole and told him he was poisoned and needed to saw his own leg off to get the antidote, tried to exterminate the Jews in his town, organized the Ginger Separatist Movement and tried to kill all the non-gingers (with lava, no less), prepared some rather disturbing chili, ate Vagasil to make himself stupid enough to qualify for Nascar, pretended to be retarded to win the Special Olympics, and faked having Tourette’s so that he could say anything he wanted. As a real person, he would be a deplorable, awful, criminal, potential mass/serial killer. As a cartoon 3rd/4th grader, he’s a hilarious parable warning against lenient parenting, crack cocaine abuse, nanny reality shows, rampant racism, and overeating.

But why take my word for it? Why not let Cartman speak for himself?

“…I’ll make you crap yourself ’till you look like Karen Carpenter!”
“Respect my ah-thori-taaah!”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Actually, what I said was… *picks up a megaphone* ‘How would you like to suck my balls, Mr. Garrison?'”
“Spooge, balls, bloody vaginal belch.”
“Tom Hanks can’t act his way out of a nutsack!”
“No dude, independent films are those black and white hippie movies. They’re always about gay cowboys eating pudding.”
“Taco, taco! Burrito, burrito!”
“I’m not going to hell, Butters, I’m not black.”
“Screw you guys; I’m going home.”
“Titty sprinkles!”
“I’d never let a woman kick MY ass. If she tried anything, I’d be like, ‘HEY! Why don’t you get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!'”
“Oh yeah? I run with twelve gangs, and we only commit hate crimes! Whateva! I do what I want!”
“Fuck Jesus!”
“Your tears are so yummy and sweet. Ohhh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! Yummy, you guys!”

Every sensibility, every shred of good person within us makes realize that everyone on the planet should hate Eric Cartman and everything he stands for. As a person, he is everything I would abhor in real life. He is everything we should strive to work against. As a society,we should try to stamp out the real life bigotry and evil he personifies. He is a monster, a sociopath, a ghastly racist and bigot, dangerously unstable, and one of the most socially irresponsible creations of the last six thousand years.

And I love him. One could reeeeeach and say that he is a lesson to not be like him, but the reality is that as a person he would be pure social evil. As a cartoon, he’s diabolically funny because of how morally repugnant he is. I think I’m going to go watch some South Park…

eric-cartman

Alternate letter considerations: Catherine de Medici, Cancer (not the astrology sign), Cersei Lannister.

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~ by Darren Endymion on May 3, 2014.

4 Responses to “C = Cartman (A-Z Challenge)”

  1. I love Cartman…the #1 reason why I watch SP!

  2. Reblogged this on Ways of life and commented:
    Erik Cartman- the heart and soul of SP!

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