K = King Henry VIII (A-Z Challenge)

Since I missed him in favor of Harry Potter on H day… This entry is a bit longer, but I think it’s amusing. If it’s not your style, tune in tomorrow. I’ll throw glitter in your faces or do something shiny and geeky to entertain. *cackle*

By today’s standards, Henry VIII was a misogynistic, spoiled, over indulged, whiny lothario who was never meant to be king. His brother Arthur was trained, tutored, geared, and supposed to be king. Unfortunately, he died, leaving Henry, the spoiled boy who knew no restraint, the one who was possibly meant for the priesthood, in charge of an entire kingdom. He all but bankrupted the kingdom because of his insistence on grandeur and pomp. His whims were law. It is thought that after a head injury which knocked his ass out for hours, he became totally insane. Physiologically speaking, of course.

Of course, he was also astoundingly brilliant. A poet, songwriter, tactician, actor, and a talented womanizer. He spawned three rulers of England. Regrettably, for all his accomplishments he was best known for the drama, his excesses, his wives, and for being a great big fat ass.

Let’s go on a (hopefully) amusing romp through the achievements for which he was known, shall we?

Katherine of Aragon: Poor Katherine. Seriously, of all his wives she was with him the longest and I think she got the worst, most heinous treatment. Daughter of Isabella and Ferdinand of Spain, Katherine was intended for Henry’s brother, Arthur. Whether or not they had sex (Katherine and Arthur, not Arthur and Henry), is debatable, even to this day. They were horny teenagers who were expected to produce an heir as soon as they were married. After the wedding, Arthur said that he had “been to Spain”. Take that as you will. Then again, he was sickly and died like 5 months later at the age of 15 or something. A horny teenager, married to a beautiful princess, expected to have children, said he had been to Spain…a strong case could be made for them having had sex.

Regardless, Arthur died and Katherine was left in England with almost no money. Henry’s father and Ferdinand pretty much played tug-o-war with Katherine until the king died. Thus, Henry Tudor became King Henry VIII. Henry married Katherine of Aragon. Unfortunately, though they spent over a decade together, everything Katherine touched afterwards seemed to turn to shit. Miscarriage after miscarriage happened, and they finally had Mary Tudor. Mary Tudor eventually became Queen of England and had over 300 Protestants killed, usually burned, earning her the nickname Bloody Mary.

Katherine was a pious, genteel woman, raised from birth to be a princess, a queen, and was, by all accounts, a wonderful, generous Queen. However, she did not seem to be able to keep a child alive in her rotten womb. The one son she had died when he was a few months old. Henry, feeling that Katherine was being spiteful, said she had actually fucked his brother Arthur and used this as Biblical grounds to start getting an annulment. He began to take and knock up mistresses. Which leads us to…

Anne Boleyn: Also known as the Great Whore. An ambitious, brilliant woman from a fatally ambitious family. Her sister Mary was King Henry’s mistress for a while, popped out a few kids, and was dispensed with. Anne saw what Mary and the others went through and refused to go out like that. She tantalized Henry. Since Henry was an egomaniacal dickbag used to getting his way, he became entranced with Anne. She was charming, pretty, intelligent, strong, and ambitious.

More books have been written about Anne Boleyn than almost any Queen of England, save for her eventual daughter — Elizabeth I, who reigned for 40+ years and ushered in the Golden Age of England. Cate Blanchett played Elizabeth I in two movies and was robbed of an Oscar by some pretentious wench.

Katherine of Aragon, ever the stately Queen, and Anne Boleyn had a courtly fight for Henry VIII. Anne won, but Henry had to forever change the history of England to have her. He broke up with the Pope via letter (pretty much by text. “It’s over. I’m gonna be with Anne now.”) Katherine was sent away and eventually died of heart cancer. Pretty much a broken heart. Anne produced no male heirs, which Henry felt he needed. (If he could only see what Anne’s daughter would go on to do, he might not have been such a dick.)

When Anne couldn’t have a baby boy (who lived), Henry VIII decided to be rid of her. He made shit up, eventually accusing her of being a traitor and having sex with her possibly bisexual brother.

This shit sounds like a reality show, right? Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Anne Boleyn was accused of witchcraft, treason, and incest. I don’t personally believe that Henry actually thought she was a witch, but a convincing case can be made for it. Some think that Henry was such a raving egomaniac that he couldn’t possibly come to grips with the fact that he made some very serious, very public mistakes by ousting Katherine and breaking with the Catholic Church, just to get some more Boleyn pussy. The ensuing trial was a travesty of justice. Anne was beheaded. A few days later we have…

Jane Seymour: The daughter of a noble, she was innocence and light and happiness. After over seven years of drama, she was a note of sanity for Henry and they were married mere days after Anne Boleyn’s beheading. Jane was sweet, kind, and totally boring. I think Henry would have tired of her eventually, but he wasn’t given a chance. Jane got knocked up, had Henry’s male heir, and died during childbirth. Some think that Henry loved her most of all, but I think there was a romantic sentimentality attached to her. I think she was too kind and too sweet and Henry would have cheated on her like he did all the others. Frankly, I think he loved Anne Boleyn the most, judging from the lengths he went to have her…but who cares?

Jane’s son would eventually become king of England, but would die at a very young age, causing more drama by naming some distant cousin next in line, Lady Jane Grey — innocent victim of more ambitious parents. She was Queen for 9 whole days before (Bloody) Mary Tudor, Henry’s first kid, rode into town, said, “Bitch, please!” and had Jane’s ass off the throne in no time. Mary would eventually have Jane killed for treason. Mary was fun, wasn’t she?

Anne of Cleves: After mourning Jane’s death, Henry ate himself into gout, diabetes, and shame. He was a huge, lecherous, Tyrant the Hutt. He eventually decided to make a political alliance and marry Anne of Cleves as a sort of mail order bride. When she arrived, Henry threw a tantrum, called her a horse, and stormed out of court. She wasn’t pretty enough, said the crazy man with the head wound, ulcerous leg, fatty eyelids (so sayeth Philippa Gregory in the best line from The Other Boleyn Girl), and a 51 inch waist (if it can properly be called a waist at that point).

Henry asked Anne of Cleves for an annulment. She was a smart and very kind woman who realized that all Henry’s previous wives died because of him. She said yes. She got Anne Boleyn’s old estates at Hever (irony!), a pension for the rest of her life, and would outlive everyone in this sordid drama. Henry called her his sister and they were besties for the rest of their lives.

Catherine Howard: Henry was about a billion years old and at least that many pounds by this time. He saw a pretty young thing, I think she was like 15 years old, and decided he would fuck her and make her the Queen of England. Unfortunately, she didn’t want to fuck him, so she fucked Thomas Culpeper, the king’s man servant, instead. She was helped by Lady Rochford, Anne Boleyn’s ex-sister-in-law who had betrayed the whole Boleyn family. Henry found out, and had Catherine, Thomas, Lady Rochford, and a few other people killed.

Catherine Parr: Nobody wanted to be near Henry at this point. He was insane, the ulcer in his leg smelled of meat rotting in the sun, and he had a bit of a reputation for being a wife killer. Still, he persuaded/told/forced the widow Catherine Parr into marrying him. He eventually had a psychotic episode and jailed her for talking about Protestantism during a chat with him. Lucky for her, Henry VIII died before he could kill her.

She went on to get knocked up and died in childbirth. Her new husband was eventually killed for putting Jane Grey on the throne for a whole 9 days.

So, that was the brief view of King Henry VIII’s life as told by a snarky jerkface who didn’t want to do any of the boring words listed below. I have a feeling NOBODY will read this, but if anyone reads this sentence, I promise to be less educational tomorrow.

Alternate letter considerations: Ketchup (as a symbol of change, if you can believe that shit. I used to hate it, now I like it. Weak!), Kindle, Kleptomania, Kryptonite.

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~ by Darren Endymion on May 13, 2014.

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