Friday the 13th Marathon impending

Every time there is a Friday the 13th, I will watch at least one Friday the 13th movie, but usually four or more. Am I the only idiot who does this?

Granted, I don’t usually sit there and slaver over them, watching every second and analyzing Jason Voorhees’ actions and psyche. No, bitch. These are campy comedy or murderous fun. The deaths range from boring (stabbed in the stomach), to ironic (impaling a cheating boyfriend through his crotch), to downright hilarious (the sleeping bag. If you haven’t seen it, at least search for it on YouTube.)

This is not going to end well...for the one in the sleeping bag. For viewers, I suggest putting down any beverages.

This is not going to end well…for the one in the sleeping bag. For viewers, I suggest putting down any beverages.

It’s become a source of fun and I scan the calendar to see which months I should get excited for. Usually, I end up like this:

friday-the-12th-makes-jason-voorhees-sad

But on those rare occasions where Friday the 13th lands in a summer month, I get ready early. I cancel plans, I tell nobody what I plan to do (one can only say, “Don’t judge me” so much before one wonders if the judgment is deserved), I get pizza or plan meals in advance, and I am MIA to the world.

The eternal question is which of the 10 that I have will get watched (I don’t own part nine or ten yet. Nine sucks ass, so I’m not upset. Ten is hilarious and terrible — especially the homo emo kid we are supposed to believe has ever touched a girl.)

— I usually watch part one, because it is the first and has a very young Kevin Bacon in it. It’s tame, it’s one of two where the killer was not Jason (or his spirit. LAME!), and it sets everything up.

— Part two because it ties in and it actually is pretty good. Not only that, but you see something terrible that you normally don’t see in horror movies that don’t take place in Texas — someone with a disability gets it.

— Part three I usually skip, even though Jason gets his mask in this one. There aren’t enough hours in the day, so this one usually gets eliminated.

— Four because that was good and was supposed to end the series.

— I love part five because it’s Jason vs. the Insane Asylum/Special Needs Halfway House and has the hottest Tommy ever…I heard the actor eventually found Jesus and refused to be in subsequent sequels. This makes checking him out all the more satisfying for me…I like to imagine him looking up from prayer, shuddering, and thinking that Satan is close with the sin of homosexuality to jab him in the butt (where else?). Why? Because I’m sick, I guess.

— Six almost always gets skipped. It doesn’t do anything special for me, though the moterhome scene is hilarious.

— I will always watch part seven because of the sleeping bag scene and because it involves telekinesis. It’s Jason vs. Carrie and I love it.

— I usually skip part eight because it is terrible.

— I will then cap the night off with Freddy vs. Jason, or the remake of Friday the 13th.

The remake was woefully unbalanced. Boobs all over the place. And they are nice. Stupendous in one case. I think we see ass, too. But I think we see only two bare male chests in the whole movie (one in the scene with said stupendous breasts). That’s it. Jared Padalecki has arms and chest for days yet keeps tight in his shirt like a Pilgrim in a cold climate. Boy ass? Forget it. This was made in the modern era where male nudity is more and more common. Hell, nudity isn’t necessary. But could I get some male side boob at least? (And not Peter Griffin’s, thankyouverymuch.) Would it be too scandalous to show a back? Ugh. The movie is lucky it made Jason scary again, or I would never watch it.

*As a side note, if anyone has ready my novel Winter’s Trial and wants to know who I based the evil Tim’s looks on (which I don’t normally do, but it worked because the actor was beautiful and a total douchebag in that role), then you can watch Friday the 13th remake and look for the guy who plays Trent. I think he was in Transformers as the same character.

So, think of me and my obsession this Friday the 13th. Hell, any Friday the 13th. But this one is in June, technically a summer month. And I’m breaking my silence and allowing/forcing my friend to join in the madness. We’re gonna eat camp food and s’mores and laugh until we pee. Perhaps you can all join in. Together but apart. *confetti*

The many faces of Jason Voorhees.

The many faces of Jason Voorhees.

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~ by Darren Endymion on June 12, 2014.

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