Reluctant Big Ideas

So, after my last blog entry I went back and read my recently published short story The Snow Queen. As any writer would with his/her own work, I found flaws, things I wish I had spent more time on, dialogue choices I wasn’t as fond of, etc. I still love it, I’m still proud of it, and I learned a lot from it.

But, I held back. I limited myself when I could have done more, been more imaginative, gone further. I’ve never written a complete short story before and I wanted to try it (note: it’s hard. A novel gives you all sorts of room to work. The short story is, well, short. Duuuuuh. Therefore, every word counts, your time is limited, etc. Even 30 pages can feel short.) I tried a few new things with it (for me), let some of the language fly, and has fun with it.

What concerns me is that I held back at all. My reasons have been obsessed over, chatted on, and now blogged about. The result of the over-thinking? None of my reasons are good ones; in fact, some are quite stupid and insulting.

Since I’m in the process of mapping out a new story, I analyzed what I was doing. I had to — I read a very good novel in the meantime which had several overwhelming similarities to what I was planning out. I should be proud that I could think of a story which could be so clever and good — in very talented, capable, self-assured hands. Instead of being proud, I was bitter and joked that I needed a check and a movie deal. I got over it and, after deciding not to scrap the whole project, let my imagination go for a walk.

Instead of a walk, the freekin thing sprinted through a marathon. I lost it, don’t know where it is, but from the images it’s sending back, It’s somewhere on this planet (I think) but several hundred years and possibly a dimension away. I didn’t tell it to go there! Who authorized this much travel? Why is it sending book excerpts back from the time period it’s in? Is my imagination harvesting crops out there? Then why do I know about the most lucrative horticulture output? Who told it this type of behavior was acceptable? It’s keeping me up at night.

No, I’m happy. Really, I’m probably bragplaining, but it really forces the issues I mentioned before. Now I have to see how far I want to go with this, how detailed I want to get, and (possibly) where I want to send it. It was supposed to be an anthology but it now has no limits.

I think I’m used to holding myself back, always keeping a little (or a lot) in reserve. It’s easier to say, “I wasn’t trying that hard” than to really put yourself out there and potentially fail. But doesn’t that also mean that you’re a failure anyway? And a coward?

Geez. Do other aspiring writers deal with this crap, or am I way too into my own head? Anyone…?

Advertisements

~ by Darren Endymion on June 30, 2014.

2 Responses to “Reluctant Big Ideas”

  1. “I think I’m used to holding myself back, always keeping a little (or a lot) in reserve. It’s easier to say, “I wasn’t trying that hard” than to really put yourself out there and potentially fail. But doesn’t that also mean that you’re a failure anyway? And a coward?” That hit me hard. Good point it is 🙂

    • Thanks. Unfortunately, I’m always in my head…and trying to protect myself. So, easier said than done, right?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: