Noah: The Great Taint Chafing

So, I recently watched Noah, directed by Darren Aronofsky. Raised in a very Christian home, I went to private school off and on from ovum to mid-teens. I fell away and now I would define myself as something else entirely. That’s not the point here.

I loved the movie Noah. It was like a Biblical story in Middle Earth. The beings of light encased in stone, the world destruction itself, their source of energy (glowing golden stones), etc. Add in Emma Watson and Jennifer Connelly, both phenomenal actresses (especially the latter in her frothing at the mouth rage-fit at Noah) and you have a well-acted take on an old Biblical legend.

And I understand why it chafed the taints of every devout Christian, some of the less devout, the casual church goers, and anyone religious ever. I’m here to tell why while using the appropriate Biblical terminology. These are many of the same reasons I love the movie, ironically. (Obviously, there will be many, many spoilers):

1) Noah’s wife was a witch. Don’t try with me. Did you see what she did with those herbs? Sleeping gas, healing, and a freekin’ home pregnancy test? Jennifer Connelly played the world’s first Wiccan.

2) They told the story of creation using evolution as a means, a tool to get from A to B.

3) In said evolution sequence they showed dinosaurs. Christians and Creationists believe that the Earth is something like 10,000 years old. When I was about 10 and in private Christian school, I dismissed this notion totally. Like all young boys, I was obsessed with dinosaurs. While discussing them, one of my friends became suddenly melancholy. When asked why, he said, “Too bad dinosaurs never really existed.” Having just been to the LaBrea Tar Pits I asked him why he said this and pointed to the existence of bones.  He said, “The world is only 10,000 years old, and dinosaurs are supposed to be millions and millions of years old. God must have put them there to test us [and our faith].” Go gentle on him. He was 10 years old and he did not come by this theory on his own. Watch Jesus Camp if you don’t understand what a child can be led/forced/pressured into thinking.

4) They always referred to God as “The Creator”. I think the word “god” was used 2 or 3 times.

5) Fallen angels became hulking rock monsters who helped Noah. A Christian would inform you that there were never rock monsters because the Bible does not mention them. *ironic stare* I don’t think it mentions the duck-billed platypus, either…but now I’m just being a dick. Anyway, fallen angels are called demons, and they only do Satan’s work. These beatific helpers chafed the taint of every Christian viewer. Read a review by a Christian. They WILL mention them.

6) Noah’s ancestors kept the shed skin of the snake who tempted Adam and Eve. It glowed and had powers.

7) Methuselah was a mage-warrior with a Flaming Sword of Awesomness.

8) Noah was a dick (and I don’t mean his ability to let thousands/millions/lots of people die). He was ready to kill his newborn grandchildren because of his interpretation of the Creator’s silent wishes to send the flood in the first place. Religious zealotry portrayed as negative in a Biblical movie.

9) All of the animals were pre-evolutions of today’s creatures. They would have to change (EVOLVE) into today’s animals.

10) The movie was created and directed by a renowned atheist who also directed Pi, Black Swan, and Requiem for a Dream.

It sounds like I am being ornery and contrary for the sake of doing so. This isn’t the case. I always loved the story of Noah, but didn’t think I could watch the movie and love it like I did all the Narnia books and movies (eventually, but I’ve already gone over that in another entry a long time ago and it doesn’t bear repeating). I have always loved fantasy and this movie called to me. It was like Narnia in that way. An allegory almost.

It messed with some fundamental stories of the Christian religion. It made them accessible and entertaining, rather than watching two hours of rain, but I understand that this upset and saddened many Christians. The reasons they hated it, and my own love of fantasy is what made me enjoy it.

I totally understand why it chafed so many taints. To quote Misery by Stephen King, “It wasn’t what I expected. It wasn’t what I wanted.”

I, on the other hand, loved it.

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~ by Darren Endymion on July 31, 2014.

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