Finished vs. Running

I’m very in my own head today. I’ve been thinking about the difference between being done with something and running away from your problems. I’ve been considering and planning a huge shift in my life—changing jobs, states, and lines of work—and I’m trying to identify why I want to leave so badly.

I can’t decide if there’s nothing left for me in this place or if I think that getting away from it all will fix my problems. I don’t think that fresh mountain air (for instance) will inspire me to write and pump a best seller out of my head. It won’t miraculously conjure up an independent, devoted Prince Charming. Changing jobs won’t change human behavior; there is always going to be bickering as long as humans are together. I’m not saying there aren’t assholes out there, but I sincerely think one of my coworkers has about a dozen issues that require medication, a therapist, a broom handle, and a chiropractor in order to make her acceptable. It could only be worse were I a manservant for the criminally insane.

I digress. So, I thought about what I would gain through these changes and what I would lose. The realization I have come to is that most of my malcontent can be fixed with two big (huge, monumental, gigantuous) changes. I enjoy roots, putting my little ass in one place and staying there. BUT, I need to uproot myself from both my job and the state I have lived in all my life. It’s a gamble. Life is a gamble. Life is about change. It used to make me happy and content, but not at all anymore. To paraphrase Sharon Salzburg: What have we ever successfully managed to hold on to and keep 100% the same? What have we managed to keep that gives us the same pleasure it always did?

For someone who moved around a lot when I was a kid and who comes from a very, very poor background, I have roots and money. It’s a fear thing based on a tumultuous childhood. I have something I never did when I was a child—that my parents didn’t. But I’m not happy. I have come to the conclusion that life, truly living, requires more. And it has been a very hard lesson to learn.

Ugh. Enough of that crap.  Later this week I get to babble about the recent episode of Sailor Moon Crystal. *confetti*

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~ by Darren Endymion on August 18, 2014.

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