Halloween Heat Wave

Okay, so it’s not technically Halloween yet, but it’s the month of Halloween, and that’s close enough. I am obsessed with the weather. I have three weather apps on my phone, having recently deleted one. I live in Southern California, so being obsessed with the weather is a bit like a rabid archaeologist searching for the remains of a unicorn. (Everyone knows they dissolve when they die. Duh.)

That being said, I have all sorts of other places on my weather apps, usually San Francisco, New York, Portland (Oregon), Rio, Chicago, London, Salem (Massachusetts), Portland (Maine), among others. With the exception of Rio, Brazil, do you know what they all have in common right now? Colder weather. Motherbitchingsonsof… Anyway, while they are dealing with a temperature range of 50-70, today where I live, not but 10 miles from the ocean, we are at 93 degrees. I don’t live in the ass crack of the desert. Yes, most of California is a desert right now, but it’s not Palm Springs or anything.

Tomorrow it’s going to be 97, and then 95 for a few days and then down to the high 80s, possibly even 70s by the end of next week. But, like a phoenix made of assholes and anger, the temperature will rise again. I love autumn, and I plan to move to one of the aforementioned areas that actually has seasons, but for now, as in years past, I feel cheated. My worst fear is having it be hot enough for a Halloween Pool Party. There would be pictures of me, pissed off, arms crossed, scowl on my face, dressed in black, wearing a sweater in protest, writing a strongly worded letter to Mother Nature, Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Jeffrey Dahmer, or whoever I need to in order to make it cold.

I’m Veruca Salt during heat waves. I stomp, I shout, I demand colder weather, I fall down a chute while singing…and even if I only do all these things in my head, I can tell you that it’s a maelstrom of horror in there. It happens every year and every year I throw a mental tantrum as though it’s going to help or as though the weather is going to take pity on me.

I think I’m going to go gather the few leaves that are turning, run a very cold bath, throw in the leaves and half an apple and take some sort of an Autumn Tea Bath. Fake it ‘till you make it, right? *bitter*

~ by Darren Endymion on October 2, 2014.

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