Insecurity Through Beauty

How many of us could really, honestly deal with Prince Charming (or Princess)?

We all know that moment, no matter where or when it happens. You go to steal a peek at the cute stranger and find him already looking at you. Your eyes meet, lock, and though it only lasts for a second or two, it feels like forever. Your stomach flops, your brain tingles. It feels like pressure is building up in the air between you. Your heart seems to not beat at all. You want it to stop and yet you hope it never does. You finally look away, but something has been exchanged, something has happened. It’s not something you can talk about and you may never meet again, but for that moment, the world stopped.

This bullshit happened to me on Friday. At work, no less. Without divulging where I work, I will have to continue to say that I work at a pig-launching factory. There are grunts (who move the pigs, clean their cages, etc.), people who load the catapults, and the scientists who are consulted when the catapult doesn’t work. I am a lead grunt, who is also a nationally certified catapult-loader. A teammate and I spent last week teaching the scientists about a part of the pig-launching business they need more information on.

There is a scientist here who is, for lack of a better term, beautiful (but not in a feminine way). It is he who I had the moment of eye contact with. My friend and fellow grunt walked out of the meeting talking about him. She thinks he’s gay (so do I) but in her words, “He is so beautiful! He was giving me hot flashes!” I didn’t tell her about the prolonged eye contact.

Because I’m that person, I thought about us meeting up again (we do work in the same building, after all). I have seen him before and he always looks and says hi (which, of course, renders me immobile and totally mute). And, while my fantasy was reaching its conclusion (us going out on a date, perverts), a cloud of fear descended over the daydream.

You’ve all heard the saying or concept, “You get what you feel you deserve; not what you THINK you deserve.” My daydream was giving me anxiety. Why? Because on paper, this scientist is a Prince Charming. Educated, smart, nice, and strikingly attractive. He could have a rotten personality or a huge ego, but it doesn’t matter for our purposes. Let’s say that The Gaze was sincere and he is attracted to me…that makes me cringe. Why not happy? Because his beauty, in all senses of the word, brings out my insecurities. And this situation made me think about more, totally separate from Prince Scientist.

How many of us could really, honestly deal with Prince Charming (or Princess, if you’re still reading)? Think about it. Are you ready? What could you offer Mr. Charming? Are you on the same level as said prince? Most of us want to grow and to better ourselves, but wouldn’t he get bored? I can be fascinating, and even I never know what’s going to come out of my mouth. I’m reasonably intelligent, fairly creative, not bad to look at (I guess)…but what could I offer Prince Scientist? Witty quips, an inappropriate sense of humor, a decent job, and a couple of lowly published works? How long before that would get old? I’ve got potential, I can grow, I can learn…but does Prince Charming want a project? If he’s got all those good qualities and has done all this work on himself, why would he not want someone more like him, someone he can learn from in turn?

My friends say that I sell myself short. (They are supposed to say that or they wouldn’t be my friends.) I actually agree with them sometimes. But this threw me. A prolonged gaze and a daydream gone bad brought out all my insecurities. So, to answer my own question, I don’t know that I could deal with Prince Charming right now. I would want to present a better person to him, would want to at least try to live up to my potential.

If Prince Charming is in front of you, maybe you just have to jump on his horse (a real one, perverts!) and ride. But I want to work on me more. Lucky for me, it was nothing more than a gaze and I’m certain that nothing will ever come from it. Yet it taught me something more about myself and what I want to do right now.

Prince Charming may have to circle back; I’ve got to turn myself from a frog into a Prince.

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~ by Darren Endymion on October 13, 2014.

One Response to “Insecurity Through Beauty”

  1. […] high school note, the Prince Charming/pig-launching scientist I mentioned several entries ago (https://darrenendymion.wordpress.com/2014/10/13/insecurity-through-beauty/) is refusing to go back into the shadows where he normally lurks. Usually I would see him maybe […]

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