Scattered Randomness

It has been a hell of a week/month, folks, and it has all left me scattered and clinging to what I can control and trying to rid myself of what I cannot.

1) First, we have work, always a bane to my soul. The karma I so gleefully described earlier did come about, but since management seems to be afraid of the harpy who had it coming to her, they have made the covetous shrew my back up and presumably my replacement should I leave. (https://darrenendymion.wordpress.com/2014/10/09/karma-comin-round-the-bend/) Let her have it. That brings me to…

2) Getting the hell out. For some time I have been talking about uprooting myself and going to another job and state. It is no longer just talk. I have updated my resume and am currently tossing in some magic keywords. I am planning a trip (alone) to the desired state later this month. This is terrifying, but not wholly unexpected. However, something has been suffering…

3) My writing has limped and is lying flat. I have so much on my mind right now that I can’t focus. Not only that, but the imaginary city the story takes place in is based on the city I want to move to. Further, it lacked life and was this limpid, flat, lifeless thing. I needed to correct that, but stuff got in the way. Namely…

4) One of my parents is dying from cancer at a remarkably young age. I am not close to this parent; to describe our relationship as estranged is being generous. Still, after debating the hypocrisy of it all, I have contacted this person and just talked. **Massive spoiler for American Horror Story: Coven** Having recently rewatched the last episode of Coven, I was struck by an exchange between Cordelia and her dying mother, Fiona. Cordelia is crying and Fiona gently mocks her tears. Cordelia came back with something that made me nearly weep because it is perfect. She says, “I’m not crying over you. I’m crying for ME. You were the monster in every one of my closets. A lifetime spent either trying to prove myself to you, get close to you, or get away from you. I am crying for the girl in me who dies when you die.” I’m not a little girl and never was, but the sentiment still stands. **End spoiler** I don’t regret forming a bond this late in the game, hypocrisy aside, but something from my childhood was forever lost, and when my parent passes, that will go, too. However, that time is not as close as I was led to believe and there is room for a bond, should we desire that.

5) To end this on a happier/inane/junior high school note, the Prince Charming/pig-launching scientist I mentioned several entries ago (https://darrenendymion.wordpress.com/2014/10/13/insecurity-through-beauty/) is refusing to go back into the shadows where he normally lurks. Usually I would see him maybe once every 2-3 months. I have seen him 5 times in the past three weeks. Random coincidences, training, seeing him in the hall, talking with him, seeing him peer at me from the corner of his eyes when he thinks I’m not looking, my friends catching him looking when I’m not paying attention, another friend making me snort by saying that if she were me, he would be on a rotisserie and drizzled in honey, etc. I. Am. An. Idiot. I wouldn’t know where to go from here. What if he IS interested? He’s not making a move in front of his coworkers and I’m definitely not in front of mine. WTF? We’re adults. Does this ever get easier? So, I’m Eeyore, knowing it will never happen, but wondering what if.

Every one of my coworkers thinks he’s strikingly beautiful…all but one. That one said, “No, not at all. He looks like that boy Gelfling from The Dark Crystal.” So, I said, “Then I’m a Skeski ready to drain his vital essence!”

Dirty birdy.

 

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~ by Darren Endymion on November 3, 2014.

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