Paused Momentum

They say that a body in motion tends to stay in motion. That’s true in most cases, but I am apparently a freak of nature. I was building up momentum in all areas of life, chugging toward my ultimate goal of getting out of my job and state and of writing more. I was taking everything on my shoulders, ready to go, to get up, to do what I needed to. I was shutting down at work while working up my résumé and looking for places of employment in my desired place—knowing that I have a considerable savings I could live off of if necessary. I was getting out boxes to start packing the stuff I don’t use every day and pricing out movers. I was looking at starting the new year in a new place, or getting there shortly thereafter.

And then I just stopped. Sort of.

I was getting all sorts of warning signs in my life that I was taking on too much and that I needed to back down or burn out. I started having mild panic attacks. My physical aches and pains got to the point where I had to break down and go to the doctor. I was not so much in the process of shutting down at work as totally not caring. My writing was forced and the quality was terrible – flat, boring, and atonal.

I was finally forced to take a weekend off. The pain was too bad to go anywhere, the medication I was taking for it dulled my mind, my friends were doing other stuff after our Halloween blowout, my laptop crapped out on me temporarily, and the internet was going in and out. I put on an old movie I’ve seen hundreds of times (Misery — and I still love it every single time), and was left with my iPod and my imagination.

It felt amazing. I took that time to really relax. There was nothing I could do and so I was forced to calm the hell down.

I started thinking about some random hottie at work (mentioned previously as Prince Charming, or Prince Scientist due to his education, profession, and intelligence). I realized that when he was around or I was talking about him, I wouldn’t think about all the other overwhelming crap in my life. And he was fortuitously training in a classroom literally one cubicle away from me for three weeks, so we were seeing each other not once every two months, but several times a day. So, I let myself get caught up in it. I let myself hope and experience a real, hard crush like I haven’t had in years. But I never lost sight of reality. He works late, I work very early. At the end of training, he would be banished to his floor in his corner, I would be in mine, and we would rarely (if ever) see each other if nothing significant was established.  It wasn’t, just like I knew it wouldn’t.

People around me seem to think otherwise. Two friends are convinced that he will “happen to wander” into the break room when he knows I’ll be there (almost impossible because of his late schedule), or that he will find reasons to be on my floor and in my corner more often. Another friend was threatening to decorate my desk in pearls and lace with a sign that read, “I’s married, now!” My ex (who used to read my blog) has decided he can’t be my friend because of it (even while knowing another reason why it couldn’t work). Everyone seems to be taking it seriously but me.

I did let myself be swept up in the crush, which is something I never do. I usually clamp down on it and don’t experience it because I know nothing will ever come of it. I know nothing will come from this, yet I let myself look forward to every time I would get to see him, every time he would see me in the hall and his face would like up like he just saw an old friend, every smile, every little hello, every little conversation, every assurance that he was looking at me when I was looking elsewhere. I no longer doubt that he at least thinks I’m cute (some compliment, all things considered. The man is strikingly beautiful.) I’m not saying that I would refuse if he asked me out, but it’s just not going to happen. It’s a crush and we may never see each other again, because I won’t be here much longer.

The important thing is that through this I took a break from writing, from résumé fixing, from vacation planning, from moving plans, from everything. And I feel so refreshed that I could sing. I’m ready to take that mantle back on my shoulders and work toward getting out, away, to a place where I can be happier all the time instead just of when I’m distracted by a gorgeous face and sharp mind. Prince Scientist was probably arriving as I left, not caring, not thinking about me, and never aware that his smiles gave me a break I desperately needed to reach my ultimate goals. And for that — and a few other reasons — I could kiss him.

But I never will.

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~ by Darren Endymion on November 17, 2014.

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