Christmas Malaise, Tarot, and Updates

This has been an odd week and not one I would not care to repeat. But there are some things I have realized and some updates to give.

1) I am the biggest anti-Christmas Grinch this year. I am the Scroogiest of all that is dour and cranky. I’m so not into Christmas this year that I can’t even bear to watch my favorite Christmas movie, the terrifying CG version of A Christmas Carol. I listened to the audio book foit and felt nothing. I can’t seem to even get through my favorite Christmas audio book, Holidays on Ice by David Sedaris. I can’t get into Christmas at all.

2) I think the reasons for this are multiple. I expected to be living in another state by this time. Now I’m looking at spending the busiest, ugliest season ever in a job I don’t care for and wanted to be rid of. Also, it’s the loneliest Christmas I can think of. I have no romantic prospects. I have an ex with whom a friendship regrettably seems to have failed and a crush I can’t seem to talk to.

3) Have you ever had a tarot reading? A really good one? Well, I’m versatile with good readings: I take them and I give them. I recently had one by a dear friend and have given myself several. Believe what you will, but all I can say is that, statistically speaking, it’s nearly impossible for the same cards to come up over and over in multiple readings using multiple decks. They all, every last one, predict a huge, momentous love on my horizon. I have been getting and giving readings (for myself, too) for more years than I know. Well over ten, anyway. I have never had these cards come up in my final outcome. (For those initiated, 2 of cups, the Lovers, Knight of cups, and…yes…the 10 of cups. Over and over and over.) They seem pointed in the very near future, and possibly even at my crush.

Normally, I believe these. I have predicted surprise marriage proposals, I have made people cry, I have predicted love and doom and tragedy. And they are always right…unless someone changes everything so fundamentally that the future is changed. But when it comes to me…these readings are so positive  that I can’t believe them. For all the changes I have made in my life, I’m right back at the same place—unable to step out of my comfort zone and change my own destiny. Do I launch myself at him, or do I let fate take its course?

4) So, I am in the same state of being. I see Prince Scientist Charming every day. He slows down to talk to me when we happen to meet in the hall and are alone. He gives me side-eye as he passes my desk. We are both nervous, I think. And even knowing…or thinking…or imagining that there might be something more, seeing the signs…I can’t find a time or place to talk to him. He’s surrounded by people. I’m surrounded by people. We are at work. It’s harder than you would think, and my shyness doesn’t help. I really don’t know what to do. “Just talk to him” isn’t good advice as there are social niceties that come into play and we are in an environment when he may not even be out, no less.

5) I stopped writing again, mostly since my work computer crapped out on me. Then today it hit me again. A scene so full and imagined that I literally stopped working and let the images flow through my head. I’m not saying that it was a great scene or that it was anything magic or special. But it was vivid and it was demanding. It will be written. It won’t let me choose not to. I have to write several scenes before it, but that shouldn’t be an issue. And, in a way, I’m taking from real life. All those near-misses, all that feeling of fate intervening, all that possibility, the card readings, everything. It’s cramming its way into my story. Now I have to put in the strainer so that art (or whatever) isn’t a mirror for life, but a filter through which some sense and objectivity can be obtained.

6) My physical therapy is over. I realized very late that we were treating the symptoms and not the cause. I need to see my doctor because there is very little change. However, I have been only once in almost two weeks…and I feel better. Is that even right? After stopping, I’m feeling 85% percent better than I did last last week.

7) I’ll be fine. I always am. I love the cold and winter, even the weak-sauce winter of Southern California (rain and mudslides for weeks now). And I refuse to stay in a funk for any reason. I’ll save that shit for the horrible summer if I’m still in the same state of being.

Ugh. I suspect that next week I will talk more about the writing progress and less whining about the other stuff. I will probably not post on Xmas (for all I care about it) but rather the day after. Until then, wish me luck!

P.S. Bwahahahahaha! Seriously, Fate might be intervening. Last year around this time I wrote the short story The Snow Queen, giving the original fairy tale a twist (published in Torqued Tales for 2014). I recently got an e-mail from Audible, which I just opened. They are giving members a free book for Christmas. What is it? The Snow Queen by Hans Christian Anderson. Coincidence? Probably. But it seems like synchronicity. And this year will be different.

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~ by Darren Endymion on December 18, 2014.

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