Numb Thursday

I am most definitely not feeling blogging today. It has been a horrendous week and a half, culminating in today’s fuckery. However, blogging often surprises me, and since it’s apparent that I usually use it as some sort of twisted diary, I figured coming here and spending some time with you fine people might help cheer me up.

I will start with the banal and work my up to the horrible climax. And then I will try to be Pollyanna and see the good in it all, because I’m trying to be a more positive person.

1) Work has been insufferably busy. I have worked 10 hours every day this week and will continue doing so for the next few weeks. Yet somehow, I am very behind on my work.

2) Prince Scientist’s class evacuated today. They are no longer around and I will no longer have the privilege of seeing him daily. If the Universe is determined to put us together as it would seem, a little more work is needed from it. This shit isn’t over.

3) I had a long, long talk with my cousin yesterday which touched a part of my heart I thought to be closed over and absent.

4) My mother died today. We were not close, the relationship was severed, mostly due to circumstances I won’t go into here, and we lived several states away from each other. I talked to her about two months or so ago when she was supposedly on her last days. She was fine (false alarm) and we got to talk for about a half hour. She fought right until the very end. She was incredibly young, only 57, but had emphysema, lung cancer (which spread to her brain), and then caught pneumonia. It was too much for her and she succumbed to the weight of it all.

So, now for the positives, again from the inconsequential to the serious.

1) I’ve understandably been distracted at work. I’ll be depressed on and off, but I’ll get through it. And right now I’m doing brainless busy work anyway. In my down time I have been looking up tarot card spreads, studying mythology, and catching up with old friends. Maybe if I focused more… But where’s the fun in that?

2) Prince Scientist not being in training may be a blessing in disguise (why do blessings always wear disguises? If I was a blessing, I would wear clown pants, bells, and a three-foot high headdress.) He won’t always be surrounded by other scientists and they won’t be going to break and lunch all at the same time. Also, I already saw him in the break room after they moved today. We may be able to talk alone and I can see if it was all for nothing. Also, in the past two days, he hasn’t bothered with side eye. He looked full on, smiles and all. Not only that, but the new department he is in is on my floor and has earlier hours. He will be forced by departmental time frames and location to be closer to me.

3) My cousin was my idol and my best friend growing up, but people change and we grew apart. I think yesterday was a step in repairing that bond. In truth, it wasn’t severed, just neglected. Things were neither awkward nor strained. And I think it will continue.

4) With that laundry list of ailments, my mother was in a lot of pain all day, every day. I know it’s cliche, but I think she’s in a better place now and not in pain. She’s okay and now the family can grieve and move on with their lives. I got to talk to her near the end. She was basically passed out and on morphine. My siblings had been trying to wake her up. I figured that hearing is the last thing to go, so I had my sister hold the phone to her ear so I could say goodbye. She woke up when she heard my voice. It was only for a few seconds, but she mumbled a few things and passed back out. She knew I was there, even after everything that came between us, and I think that was important to us both.

As for me, I will move on. I’m writing, I have been hanging out with friends, I have a support system, and I will be fine. Sorry to be so dour. If you made it through this entry, rest assured that I will make sure the next one will practically have rainbows shooting out of it.

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~ by Darren Endymion on January 8, 2015.

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