Am I Even Awake?

We all have those days at work where we feel like everything in the world has been heaped on us — we’re busier than usual, our schedules are packed, it feels like we’ve been working three hours for every one that passes, by lunch we’ve done a full week’s work, the day never ends, etc. This has been a week of those days.

It feels like I have been mule-kicked in the face for four days.

At work, I deal primarily with our web site…for launching pigs. (Yes, for those new here, that’s a fake job to mask where I actually work). Well, the geniuses in IT decided to launch a new log in system during the busiest month of the year…and they messed it up. You log in, and find that your old username is no longer acceptable. You change it and you’re good.

However, say you have forgotten your username or password. That’s when the web site essentially gets you drunk, spins you around until you’re ready to scream for baby Jesus to murder you, and then sends you for a jog through a mirror fun house, while being prompted to ever greater speeds by projectile, poison-tipped paper clips. If your e-mail address has changed, the site essentially sends thugs to your house to beat you in the head with a billy goat.

An example: you forgot your username and ask it to be e-mailed to you. But your e-mail address has changed. You have to reset your information, call, and have the person on the phone send you a code. This code expires in 10 minutes from the time it is sent to you. Your e-mail server is down or slow? You need another code. You eventually get it, read it to the person on the phone, they verify what’s been in front of them the whole time, and they confirm your e-mail address. ONLY then can the phone agent reset your password. Freekin’ stupid.

Now, I’m going to go off on a little astrological tangent here. We are at the beginning of a period of Mercury retrograde. Believe what you will, but this time is supposed to be filled with transportation, technical, and communication snafus. Each one is more difficult, harder to navigate, and can potentially explode. At work, we have two-thirds of that.

But, these genius developers didn’t stop there. If you mess up and lock your account, you get a message with a phone number and an e-mail address. Both are wrong. The phone number goes to some other place and not the web support it should. The e-mails…come directly to my team. Nobody asked or told us that this was being done. The e-mail box they come to was being phased out, you see. It sends these e-mailing customers an out of office message which tells them that this box is no longer in service and that they should register or log on to our web site…which is what the fuck they were trying to do in the first place.

People are pissed. Who wouldn’t be? The influx of e-mails is now entirely up to me to handle. There are currently 2,495 of them, each requiring research and a detailed response within 5 days. But, the directors and managers freaked out and didn’t want me to create templates for different scenarios that I can send out to these people. THEY had to do it. I have been making these templates for years. I have been e-mailing members for years. I have been traditionally published twice. Even if they don’t know this last part, I have proved myself more than enough. The higher ups asked for examples of my templates and I sent them three.

They changed one sentence in each — which only told our customers to call rather than e-mail us for web-related problems. This process took four fucking days, five conference calls, and two meetings. I’m not even exaggerating.

It leaves me thinking that I am not awake, that this red tape bullshit and Corporate America nonsense is nothing but a wicked dream where my mind vomits up a parody of my actual job. But I promise you that it is 100% real.

The only light in all this is that I am working 10-11 hours a day and therefore have many chances of running into Prince Scientist, who I now see almost every day. We’ve been making a concerted effort to talk to each other, but his department is about as busy as mine is, so this week has only been running past each other in the hall. But there have been more significant moments and they are coming more frequently. And I always get a bright smile and a hello, if nothing else.

But if the best, most Pollyanna thing in a work week is a sprinting-by hello and a beautiful smile from a cute boy you don’t have real time to talk to, you know it’s a shitty, shitty week. Here’s hoping it gets better and I at least have more time with Prince Scientist.

If not, you may see me on the news. “Man leads bloody revolt on his company’s IT teams. Hundreds maimed…and one scientist licked into submission. Investigating police invited to the wedding.”

~ by Darren Endymion on January 29, 2015.

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