The Agony of Waiting

Today I didn’t go to work. Why? I was up all night worrying and obsessing. I debated talking about this on a blog because it’s scary and personal and potentially life-threatening. It’s not a sympathy ploy, but I can’t get it out of my head, and coming here always helps.

So, with all my health and walking issues, I have been to many, many doctor appointments. The most recent trip was to get an MRI. Well, for walking purposes, nothing was wrong. Everything seemed to be okay.

Except for something with my marrow.

The physician’s assistant at the orthopedic doctor called me and said that the abnormal marrow results could be anything from not all that serious to leukemia. Goddamned leukemia. I did what nobody ever should and Googled marrow problems. Lots of pages on leukemia.

Fan-fucking-tastic.

No, that’s not 100% what I have. My primary care physician and specialist want me to see a hematologist so they can do a panel of a billion blood tests (more than I usually get for my physical), and possibly a marrow test. Tests, tests, and more tests. All to find out if I am going to die soon.

I know that’s not how I should think. I know that’s what kept me up all last night. I know that they say positive energy helps fight off everything bad in this world. I know that it’s not certain that I have leukemia. However, (gods forbid) if I do, it’s not certain that I won’t be able to fight it off. And yes, I did look at the survival rates.

And I wonder why I can’t sleep, right?

Now I have to go to a doctor’s appointment to get the authorization, then to the initial hematologist appointment where I get the run down of blood tests I have to do, get the blood tests done, go BACK to the hematologist, and then find out. So, I’m not looking at having an answer to this issue for weeks, or a month, or more. Specialists are notoriously difficult to get an appointment with. So…

I don’t know what to say or do. I’m letting my mind wander to the darkest of places and trying (desperately) to get it out of there. I am trying to sleep but my mind doesn’t cooperate. I am trying to be positive, but the word “leukemia” keeps popping into my head.

So, now we have me trying to be Pollyanna and to brave the next month or so…and whatever comes after it. I’ve had a scare like this before (about one year ago, ironically) that I worked myself up over and it turned out to be nothing at all. I know my tendency to freak out when the big C is mentioned. Hopefully, this will be the end of such scares any my reaction to them.

So, thanks for reading. This wasn’t meant to be a pity party, but rather something to help me rationalize and get over it all. Writing is therapeutic. I don’t expect to talk about it a whole lot more, but the future…who knows what it contains? Hope for me.

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~ by Darren Endymion on March 2, 2015.

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