Distracting Diversion — Gay Movies

(I was going to title this entry “Distracted by Dick”, but decided that was far too crude…so it’s my first line).

Over the weekend I was not in the mood to write. I was fleshing out a barren area but just didn’t want to write a date scene. I was feeling no affection, no love, nothing. So, I decided to jump on Netflix and watch some gay romance movies to sort of get me in the mood. Normally, that’s just not my thing. I avoid romantic comedies of any sexuality. (Please do not ask why I am currently writing gay romance. I don’t freakin’ know, either.)

I never watch gay movies because they are either dour, depressing, and squeeze the happiness out of a room, or they are light, campy, and often painfully stereotypical. I decided that I didn’t want a good cinematic experience but something cute, romantic, and fun. Six gay movies, a wasted weekend, and some small amount of writing later, and I remembered why I love and hate gay movies. I will illustrate four of them.

1) Longhorns. Fluff, but cute. It reminded me of one thing that I had somehow totally forgotten: to watch a gay movie is to see full frontal male nudity, and usually a lot of it, often without any purpose. Dick count: 5.

It’s like the makers of gay movies think the only way to keep our attention is to throw a dick in our faces every 10-20 minutes. The ass shots aren’t worth mentioning…they come fast and furious and become commonplace in any independent gay movie.

2) Eating Out: All You Can Eat. I didn’t expect to be trapped by this movie, but I was. Why? The character of Tiffani. Crude, slutty, and awful, she made me laugh ‘till I hurt. Lines like, “Children are just abortions that eat.” Or during a comedic sex scene with a Latino man, “Use me like a day laborer!” The romance was between a “plain” sort of nerdy guy, Casey, and a really cute one, Zack. Spoiler alert: they fight it, but eventually get together. It was cute, sweet, funny as hell, and exactly what I wanted. (I stopped counting dicks at this point.) I’m a sucker for these kinds of movies, because, as my friends have said, I fall into the nerdy-and-doesn’t-know-how-cute-he-really-is category, also known as “That idiot who never knows when guys are checking him out.” I agree with the latter one, anyway.

There was one moment of sad social commentary: Toward the beginning, Zack gets dumped and goes online for breakup sex. One hottie hits him up and immediately asks if he’s into PNP — “party and play”, the horribly pervasive atrocity of guys doing meth (usually) and having sex until their teeth stop grinding. Zack says no thank you…and immediately gets like 10 other messages from different guys asking if he wants to PNP. It was funny and sad, because it’s so despairingly true.

3) Then I had the misfortune of watching the 4th Eating Out movie, Drama Camp. I cussed at my TV from beginning to end. Spoiler alert: the hot guy, Zack, all but cheats on the “plain” nerdy guy, Casey, until the nerdy guy lets him go so he can be with who he wants, the supposedly even hotter guy, Benji. What?! What the fuck kind of doormat… *breathing* Anyway, Zack was all over Benji the entire time — and RIGHT in front of Zack’s boyfriend, Casey. The movie was shallow, about as romantic as a homeless person pissing in your face, and completely undid what the previous movie set up. It glorifies and rewards abandoning someone you love for a newer, hotter guy who has all the personality of a weevil, but the abs of a god. It paraded this as if it was a virtue and not the despicable act of a despicable human being. Dick count: eleventy-seven. Especially Zack — the biggest dick in the movie (and I don’t mean literally. We haven’t seen his since the third movie).

4) Eating Out: Open Weekend. (No writing was being done at this point). Zack from the previous two movies ended up in a relationship with Benji, the guy he basically left his loving boyfriend Casey for, and they were on a weekend getaway at a gay resort in Palm Springs. However, Benji wanted an open relationship — the freedom to fuck anyone he wanted while staying within the framework of a relationship. Zack, ironically, considering his previous actions, unhappily agreed, preferring monogamy. I had no sympathy for him. Casey, the “plain” nerdy ex-boyfriend was there at this resort and Zack and Casey weaved lies and flirtation and angst together.

Spoiler alert: Zack and Benji broke up at the last second and Zack realized he had always loved his ex-boyfriend Casey (who he happily bailed on in the previous movie). Casey and Zack got back together. I liked this one more, because it showed the consequences and karmic repercussions of being a dick, the virtues of appreciating what you have, while also bringing to humorous light the seeming pervasiveness of open relationships in the gay community and the effects they can have.

I wrote my scene, and I realized again why I love and hate gay movies. To wash all that out of my head, I listened to the audiobook for Boy Meets Boy by David Levithan. It’s about a 15 year old in high school, isn’t a coming out story, and takes place in a magical town where gay, straight, and bisexual people, and whatever shades in between regard their sexuality as no big deal. It’s innocent, charming, beautiful, tugs at the heartstrings of even a bitter cynic like myself, and is possibly the cutest gay book I have ever read/listened to. It was a nice dénouement to a strange weekend with lots of watching, and very little writing.

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~ by Darren Endymion on April 9, 2015.

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