Writing, Renewal, Drama, and Mercury

Mercury is currently retrograde. Whether you believe in the effects this phenomenon can have or not (communication issues, travel problems, things and people from the past springing up, etc.) doesn’t change the fact that some weird and ugly stuff is going on. Even if you don’t believe a single bit about it, which is fine, I try to use it as a period to reflect on the past, to finish things that have remained undone. Unfortunately, the negative issues of this period tend to haunt me as well.

I got into a fight with my friend and ex, who has (once again) been less than honest. I read his annoying texts at 4-something in the morning, bleary eyed and pissed off as I was getting ready for work. I responded, half crazed from the unrelated dreams of insecurity I had, irritated with him for getting himself into trouble, lying about it, and trying to run away from it. He hasn’t spoken to me since, and I can’t blame him. I shall try in a week, I think. If no response…then I will let it go.

A work “friend” of several years is barely talking to me. In this, I am totally blameless. She is the same one who was after Prince Scientist, then realized that he probably wasn’t interested, and claimed that he was only a scientist and didn’t make enough for her. They make between $100k and $170k a year, and she makes less than $40k. Suddenly, she started talking crap (Literally saying to a mutual friend, “Let’s go out, NO boys. If one wants to come, he can’t!”), and refusing to go to lunch with our small group.

I couldn’t figure it out until I thought about the timing. She went up to Prince Scientist on his last day and he told her he was leaving and to tell those of us he talks to, and that he said goodbye. I’m the only one over there he talks to…and she never told me. Still hasn’t said a word. She told someone else, who told me. Since then, Greedy Goldigger has stopped talking to me as much and stopped going to lunch with us. Bitch is in her forties, acting like this is junior high. Someone needs to explain that one gay guy liking another gay guy is no reflection on her, and it’s nobody’s fault. It doesn’t make her any less cute, any less desirable. She is female, and therefore not an object of sexual or romantic interest to a (gorgeous, smart, nice) gay man. With what I’ve seen of her lately, I’m disappointed in her, but there is no real loss.

I’m still dealing with the final health issues and have a couple tests to have run, but I’m sure I’ll be fine, and I know that this is all a precaution — if I’m not going to believe three good doctors, then who will I believe? Still…I don’t wanna! But I will. And I’ll be fine, I’m sure.

As for writing, I was afraid that my most recent project was going to slide off my head and into oblivion. The family tree that I was so interested in and thrilled by ended up being a chore. I had to step back and think about what was needed, and what would end up as nothing more than an offhand reference to a dead relative who did something vaguely interesting or disgusting. I realized that I had pretty much all I needed.

I went to the villain and fleshed him out (since they are always so interesting to me. I was one of those kids who always wanted the Decepticons to win, and it didn’t stop there). By filling out his character profile — a practice that can be tedious, but is always rewarding — a great deal of the story revealed itself. I went to finish the main character’s profile, certain that I had a lot to do…and found it done. Completed from beginning to end. I vaguely remember writing it, but not much more. I read it twice. I suppose the fact that I found him intriguing was a self-compliment. I went to the next character and found some of his filled out, too. I was much further along than I had thought or remembered.

By going back to the basics, by reading and fleshing out, I re-imagined the beginning, clarified my points of view for the story, got the background, and helped revive something I suspected was beyond me and would be relegated to the vault again.

As for confronting the past demons of writing, I tend to over-realize a world or story, freak out, and stop writing, thinking I don’t have the ability to fully do it justice. I’m on the cusp of doing that now. The more work I do, the more inclined I am to shy away. The thought of where to publish it plagues me — with my current, with a new, do I try for mainstream, etc. But I’m working through it. I am confronting that tendency and I plan to beat it.

I’ll get through all of this. It’s just a lot to do at once. But if you could meter out life’s challenges in doses, it wouldn’t be real life, and you wouldn’t learn anything. So be it, I guess.

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~ by Darren Endymion on May 25, 2015.

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