Working Out Sucks

Do people actually like working out? Sure, we like the results — being healthier, having your body listen to what you tell it to rather than just coughing and glancing back at the Enquirer, the way a healthy body looks can’t be beat, and you can deter all sorts of chronic conditions — but does anyone actually enjoy the pain?

My chiropractor recommend exercises now that I’m recovering from what was apparently an apocalyptic fall (though it seemed like nothing more than an embarrassing tumble) to help me get rid of the last vestiges of the leg and back problems I have been having. The chiropractor seems determined to not just help me support my frame, get strength back to my legs and core, and to stabilize me, but to make me into some bionic strongman. I think he’s going a little too far. I’m reminded of The Simpsons episode where Marge is afraid of flying and sees a therapist. After curing Marge of her fear, the therapist wants to go into other areas (namely, Marge’s marriage). Homer barges in and quickly says, “That’s okay, you don’t have to make her into some kind of superwoman. She can get on a plane; that’s plenty.”

That’s what I feel like.

It’s hard for me to just get up and walk. My chiropractor claims that this will go away through core exercises and continued adjustments. He said that when I start doing the exercises, I would probably find that my core is abnormally weak. Among these exercises are the Death Plank. It’s like being in a push up position, body straight, only you’re leaning on your forearms, not your hands. It makes a difference.

Like this, though I can assure you that I do NOT have this body.

Like this, though I can assure you that I do NOT have this body.

Another he wants me to do is the Beastly Side Plank, which is the same thing, but sideways, and more painful.

And with the resting hand in the air, just to throw the fear of vertigo in you.

And with the resting hand in the air, just to throw the fear of vertigo in you.

I did it one day and I was in pain for two. I didn’t even hold it for very long, just 30 seconds on each side. As I was suffering in muscle pain, I heard the voice of my chiropractor like in one of those 80s flashback moments. “Abnormally weak core…weak core…weak core…” Bastard. Also, my shins and legs aren’t used to this or ANY activity any more. I used to walk to and from work for a total of three miles a day. I was working out. I’m still young. And now I feel I have the muscle tone and grace of the Cryptkeeper.

I do have better skin, though.

I do have better skin, though.

He wants me to go for walks. He wants me to do pull ups (no reason other than he apparently thinks I have weak shoulders and wants me to broaden my chest. Yes, he actually said this last part.) So, is he a chiropractor or a personal trainer? Granted, he’s in great shape and I would do well to listen to him for multiple reasons, but that line from The Simpsons comes back into my head over and over again.

In the end, I would like to be healthier, to walk those miles again without strain, to beef up my allegedly weak shoulders and chest, and to have a core that doesn’t crap out after one time of exercising. So, I’ll do it. But I won’t like it. Because working out sucks.


~ by Darren Endymion on July 13, 2015.

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