Work Issues: How Not to Choke a Bitch

I have worked in Corporate America for the majority of my employed life, and to steal a Star Wars quote, “You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.” Scum rises to the top, with very few exceptions, and you just have to work with that. But then you occasionally have to deal with the backbiting colleagues. I was promoted to the lead of my team, right under our supervisor, and had to deal with a whole lot of resentment. Now I essentially evaluate everyone’s work and hand it back to them on a monthly basis. The resentment skyrocketed, and that’s to be expected. Within reason.

However, our manager recently moved on and we got a new one. (For clarity, the hierarchy from bottom to top goes: grunt, senior grunt, lead grunt, supervisor, manager, director, upper management). One of our team members is funny, engaging, personable, smart, and friendly…but he’s the laziest son of a bitch I have ever met, to the point where he not only drags himself down, but he’s detrimental to the team. He gives our customers wrong information, he chooses only the easiest tasks (when that alone can get you put on corrective action), if you can’t 100% prove that he’s done something he will just close it out and pretend he has done it, he takes two hour lunches, and so on. Our previous management has let him slide or wasn’t aware of how terrible he is, and he has learned to use his smarts and our supervisor’s distraction to avoid detection.

His quality is terrible, and I’m constantly marking him down for it, consulting with my boss as I do so. So, Slacker went to the new manager (who knows nothing about him) and complained about me, saying I’m playing favorites and being unfair to him. He said the same about our supervisor. The new manager called him in, another third party who doesn’t do the same job as we do but wants my position anyway, and a friend of mine. I didn’t hear anything. Waited a couple weeks and still didn’t hear anything.

And this is what I’m getting at. I knew what was being said. I knew what slanderous crap was being flung in my direction. Therefore, I wanted to choke a couple of bitches. I let it bother me. I thought about it at night. And then I stopped myself. I’ve been through worse. I’ve dealt with worse. I’ve fought down managers, supervisors, and people who had direct control over my job and never once had to choke a muthafuka out. So, I just thought about what I did then and what I was (or was not) doing currently.

I’ve got so much steel in me that I should set off metal detectors. However, after a health scare a couple years ago (you know what killed the little girl from Poltergeist? I had that and almost died), I realized that there are more important things in life than fighting a bunch of inconsequential assholes at a job, and I still believe that. The steel in me relaxed. But it’s still there. And I realized that there’s a point after which it’s not rolling off your back, you’re being taken advantage of and walked over — and (possibly worst of all) it’s becoming detrimental to your non-work time.

So, I went to the manager, told him I knew what was being said, and asked if he had any tips or tricks for me. I offered to take him through the way I select cases to evaluate them, to teach him anything he needs, and to go over anything previously done. Essentially, I offered to be completely transparent. I have nothing to hide and everything to back me up. I argued for the promotion of someone who talked a little crap. Then I held a team meeting and went over everything I offered to with the manager (who made an appearance in my meeting). I met with the team in groups of threes, saying I knew there was talk and I wanted to end it and offer my time to them should they have any concerns. I gently confronted those who were talking the crap and prodded them for more information (got nothing from the shit talkers).

And you know what happened? The manager told me essentially that they found no merit to the claims and that they weren’t being considered. And then he implied that I should look into taking over the team from our supervisor when he leaves in a few months. That bears repeating: There was a complaint. I handled it with honesty, directness, and transparency. And they are talking about promoting me.

THAT’S how you refrain from choking a bitch. You use that maturity, show that you have nothing to hide (which they never checked, by the way), you professionally confront the people involved, and you take care of it. Then you plan to become the shit-talkers’ boss and fire them for being incompetent assholes. YES! How’s THAT for steel, bitches? *cackling madly, running off into the night*


~ by Darren Endymion on September 17, 2015.

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