Blessed Solitude

At a time of year when we are supposed to revel in the company and fellowship of others, I am quite happily alone. Finally! And how I hope it lasts. A friend of mine who was once dear to me and whose downward spiral I have had to witness has committed one last series of actions which can only be considered personally insulting and horrible. I wish I could fully blame that aforementioned spiral or the drugs (which he so ineffectively hides the signs of), but there are long periods of sobriety and awareness. Unfortunately, these lay over a personality already rife with a sense of entitlement, bitterly enhanced by more than one illegal substance.

To get away from the bad influences, he was staying here (against my judgment, but as the owner of this house has a kind heart and has known my friend longer than I have, I have no real say in the matter). I was helping him, cooking for him, and otherwise trying to help. Yesterday, that was thrown in my face and I was insulted and otherwise treated poorly. I had it out with my friend via text, involving not a few accusations and picture proof of said deeds. He has not been back, nor has he contacted either me or my roommate (the owner of the house in which I rent a room).

My guess is that he is on a long drug binge, one he will eventually crash from and fully realize what he has done. At that time, he will make the obligatory apologies and obeisances, struggling to get back into our good graces. That time has passed. Drugs kill friendships as surely as they kill little parts of the user’s physical body and psyche. So do the choices made in those states.

I’ve helped, tried, reached and reached and reached, and done whatever I can, only to be consistently lied to and stabbed in the back. I have done this since before the drugs were nearly as bad as they are now, but this latest insult might have ended it all. I am one of those people who will take someone’s shit, turn the other cheek, and still try to help. I will do this over and over until I reach an internal breaking point. Even I don’t know when that will come, but when it does, I know it. I let the friendship go. I close off emotions. I will no longer be taken for granted. I will no longer extend anything, even a kind word. I have done this with other people in the past. I reach a point where my love and tolerance break and the friendship dies.

I have reached that point now.

And that solitude feels so fucking wonderful.

I no longer have to entertain, like some dancing clown, to get his mind off of things. I no longer have to look in his face as he lies to me. I no longer have to listen to the same stories over and over. I no longer have to give requested advice, only to have him willfully do exactly the opposite. I no longer have to see the acne breakouts, the dry lips and tongue, smell the drugs on him (the smell of the fairly innocuous weed not covering the more chemical scent underneath it), see the hollowed out pens and cut up straws, hear him up at 3 in the morning, watch him go out empty-handed for “walks” only to have him come back with pockets full and eyes changed…

I no longer have to hurt for him. I no longer have to see it happening and be totally unable to do anything about it. I no longer have to hope. I am letting go. I cannot do anything else. I have kept this up for too long, only to finally realize what I should have long ago — you can never control anyone else’s actions; you can only control your own. I cannot make him better. I can only detach myself, and assure myself that I’ve done what I can.

For a while, in the bouts between that cold, unfeeling veneer I get when finally pushed until I snap, when I still feel deeply for that person and his fate, I will have to assure myself that I’m not a bad person for walking away.

But for now, I can only enjoy the solitude. I can do things I need to do, now that my emotions and worry are not wrapped up in someone who treats them (and himself) like utter trash. Some part of me will mourn, and I will let it. But on the surface I will be as dead as our friendship.

And the solitude will be a blessing.

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~ by Darren Endymion on December 17, 2015.

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