Relief Intertwined with Sadness

My last entry was somewhat unpopular, which is fine. If you hated that, you may still enjoy this one, because it ties more into everything else.

My friend and I had a discussion, and though it was brief, it opened a lot of doors. We aren’t friends; I haven’t gone back to that. His addiction hit an apex that scared him and he, with the help of his mother and our mutual friend, has decided to go home to his mother and start treatment. If I may flatter myself, perhaps my finally being fed up with him contributed to his decision. Maybe not; it had been a long time in coming. I’ve been there through a lot, but there came a time when it’s detrimental to me, and I couldn’t do it any longer.

I wish I could say that I am unaffected. I’m not. I’m heartbroken that it came to this. He always had his issues, true, but he was always around and usually there for me, even when we were pissed at each other. Maybe things will be different when he gets through with treatment. Maybe they won’t. I don’t know. But he was dragging me down with him, emotionally at least.

That being said, it is a burden released. He’s been such a huge part of my life for a long time now, and I hadn’t realized just how much it was affecting me. But in the past few days, and especially today, I feel that absence, that void in my life. I had devoted so much time and energy toward him, worrying about him, letting him hang with me so he wouldn’t do something stupid (in the hopes that he would learn to take strength from that and be able to be okay on his own)…that I didn’t have time to do what I wanted or what was important to me. Sometimes when he wasn’t there I would sort of just space out, partially because I’m lazy, but sometimes out of an emotional exhaustion that I didn’t know was affecting me like that.

But now!

With him at home and accepting treatment and away and, however sad, the collapse of our friendship, I have so much more time to do what I need to do. To go out. To write. To read. My (admittedly self-imposed) isolation needn’t be carried out any longer.

And the work I’ve done! I got in over my head with the character sketches for my new work because there are so many different factions and agendas going on in this story that I need to be aware of them at all times. I’ve sprinted ahead on them and–as ALWAYS happens with me–the ideas which were vague have formed further, and the plot itself has come together in a way which was only hinted at before. It’s one of the things that helps me, but at the same time I tend to spend too  much time on it. Well, we shall see.

In any case, this time is challenging, and it’s surely not over, and I’m not as heartless as I would like to be. But the results are coming together in ways I couldn’t have imagined.

Just in time for Yule/Christmas/the holidays. And if they are melancholy, they are at least productive and likely herald a change in my life that can’t be underestimated.

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~ by Darren Endymion on December 21, 2015.

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