Determined, Ornery Progress

So, it’s been a challenging but fulfilling week. Over the weekend I played South Park: Stick of Truth, and wrote my little ass off.

I’m often lazy, I let things roll off my back, I procrastinate, and I outright delay if I’m feeling overwhelmed. I do this with doctor’s visits, writing projects, and telling offensive bitches to back off. This lackadaisical approach gets me into trouble and I end up regretting my lack of action.

Take something going on at work. There’s this little abrasive creature who thinks that a sharp tongue, reprehensible people skills, talking about people behind their backs, and “just being honest” are admirable. She’s one of those people who thinks too much of herself, suffers from average intelligence, and will push and push and push until someone snaps back at her — and then be scandalized and offended. Had I set her expectations from the outset, had I pursued honesty over peace, this wouldn’t be an issue. Now I have to fight with her and publicly call her on her nonsense and make a back stabber into an outright enemy. I can handle this, but had I not put it off, had I not allowed it to roll off my back, had I not procrastinated, it wouldn’t have gotten to the position it currently is. Because of that, it’s now uglier than it would have been.

And that’s what I mean by determined, ornery progress. My writing is the same way. I put it off, I let it slide away, I thought that I would get to it eventually. Now I had this new year series of thoughts. I had a talk with myself, and thought about all that I could have done had I been more diligent, all the novels I could have written, all the sacred practice I claim to need in order to really take on the bigger, better, and more fulfilling novels, the places I would be, and so forth.

I ended this conversation with myself — and both writing and the work issues came up — by realizing that they stem from the same root issue. Essentially, it’s about not complicating my life. But, clearly there are things that cannot be put off. And it’s not like I don’t know these situations when they arrive in my life. I know it, I tell myself that I need to confront this now…and yet I don’t. As Alice said on her tour through Wonderland, “I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it.”

But I have an obstinate streak. I’ve been through some shit, I’ve worked my way through it, and I’m pretty tough. I would be better served by not letting it get to that point, but I can usually bull-dog my way out of things. However, that’s a lot tougher and though I can fight, I don’t really like to.

When that stubbornness kicks up, when I get pissed off enough, when I am forced to take a good look at what I CAN do (yet haven’t), something in me steels up. I charge ahead like an enraged bull, feeling nothing, and getting to my goal without letting anything get in my way. I need to not let it get to that point. Ever.

But today I confronted the jerk. This past week I wrote and finished all character profiles, bonded with one of the characters I was having a lot of trouble with, started the synopsis, wrote a scene, put together some elements that were giving me some trouble, and revealed a plot point I didn’t know was necessary, but when it occurred to me, I knew that it was important.

Tomorrow the bull charges again. Tomorrow I call out the subversive behavior instead of pretending I don’t know about it. I write more of the synopsis. I stop letting that thought, “Well, I have all this time” hinder me. It’s all from the same issue. It’s all the same problem, just dressed up.

Last time I talked about why I still make New Year resolutions. It’s about hope and change and a desire to improve my life. It’s not talk. I have reached that point where I no longer will allow it to stop me.

Details later!

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~ by Darren Endymion on January 7, 2016.

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