Monumental Removal

A while back I was talking about stepping back and looking at life and its problems and challenges from a distance, and about how that adds clarity to situations that are otherwise mired in the panic of immediacy. It was about the benefits of mentally removing yourself from whatever ails you to bring it in perspective.

Sometimes looking at things in retrospect is a way of rationalizing them or coming to grips with what you had to deal with. You think, “Wow. I liked HIM? And that much? What the hell was I thinking?” Sometimes it involves a person being removed from your life, someone you have known for some time should have been erased from your memories. Compassion for another person’s suffering can lead to this situation — it certainly did with me — and even a few hours away from the situation there’s this sense of a burden being taken off your shoulders. It helps.

Then there are times when you remove yourself so much that you really don’t care about the things going on around you. Removing myself from that situation I was bound to allowed me to make a profound shift of consciousness. There are times where maybe you can step too far back, though. It’s the busiest time of year at my job, and it’s insane. It always is. And yet I removed myself from the situation so much that I just don’t care anymore. Not even a little bit. Yeah, it’s crazy…but it was crazy last year and the year before that, on and on, amen. This year isn’t special. I’m doing the 10 hour days (mostly), I’m working as much as I can, but it doesn’t affect me. I’m not haggard, I’m not running around with my head ablaze, I’m just not letting it get to me. It’s kind of liberating, actually. It all is.

However, there is a down (?) side to this removal. It makes you look at your life as it is, and if you don’t like the picture…who can you fire? Who can you blame? I’ve tried jettisoning several of my personalities, but they grow back, damn it all. So, the picture isn’t what I wanted it to be, and yet getting bogged down in lacerating self-blame and self-attacks isn’t going to do anything. Once you’re aware of it (painfully aware, in this case), it’s up to you to do something or not. Am I where I want to be as a writer? Ha! Not at all. One novel and two short stories in like three years, and at least three huge ideas, abandoned because they intimidated me? My work on the current novel is coming along, but I lost a thread somewhere and had to go back to find it. Still, I am capable of so much more, so I’m not thrilled. There is so much room for improvement, even without expanding my current skillset, and all that is on me. I am 100% to blame for it. If I don’t like it, then I need to get back into that situation with my new perspective, and balance that along with some other very pressing stuff I realized in my step back.

If I don’t use this time and this insight, then I am likely to continue the cycle, and that’s just not acceptable. I’m moving forward, and I am thankful for that, so hopefully I can attend to some pressing matters that need immediate attention, and then move forward. Because if I don’t like what I see, if I’m not 100% comfortable with where things lie, I’m the only one who can change it.


~ by Darren Endymion on January 18, 2016.

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