Wrapped Up and Distracted

Note: This was written a few days ago and I think I am now in the clear. The ending is new.

Work is killing me. The books I’m listening to are driving me mad. My leg, which was getting better, is once again spasming and weak. I feel like I’m pushing a great boulder uphill, only to find that there’s another me trying to push it down the same hill and wondering what the hell is getting in the way.

Work: I’m still working 10 hour days at least 5 days a week. I get home, am too tired to do much other than nap, eat something fast because I have no energy, and then put Forensic Files on in the background and space out for a couple hours until I have to start getting ready for bed.

Solution: GTFO. I got my review last week and it was the best it could be. I got the highest raise on the team. I’m getting a sizable (for me) bonus. My bills are paid and I’m a clear asset to the team. Time to start working only 8 hours a day. Maybe even taking some time off.

Books: Everything I read is inordinately inspiring. This is good and bad. Good because I have all this creativity. Bad because it is likely happening at the expense of other stuff I’m trying to do and have no time for. I read Anne Rice and I suddenly wanted to write about 7 novellas about a family of witches from the viewpoints of the witches. Some would be bad, some would be kind, others wouldn’t care. Fantasy setting or real life, I didn’t care. I decided to read the comic where Iceman came out as gay (Jesus, when he built the wall of ice between him and Jean Grey as a form of denial…yes, I actually was touched. Fuck emotions. Someone who hasn’t had to come out to others or to him/herself can’t really understand fully). I suddenly wanted to get the super hero novel idea from my mental chest of delayed ideas and write about it. All of it.

Solution: write the ideas down and put them away. Make sure that they are real and not just something I’m getting wrapped up in for only the time being. Let them grow or die in my head.

Leg: I saw an old friend this past weekend. He’s like 6′ tall, beefy and muscled, and he was really excited to see me. We went out to lunch and he grabbed me, hugged me, and flung me around. My legs — both of the fuckers — decided to give out on me in agony. We danced in the parking lot as I tried to regain my balance. He supported me, I told him my issues, and tried not to be embarrassed. I’ve been working them out, you see. A little too much, I think.

Solution: Go easy. By kicking my own ass, I am strengthening my legs at the risk of weakening them in the short term. That leaves me open to injury when they are down and out. If I injure them, then all that working out and stretching and effort is not only wasted, but detrimental. I want to be better a year ago, but by overdoing it, I’m only going to hurt them more.

So, all of that is distracting me…or was when I originally wrote this over the weekend. As with the solutions I have added tonight, some common sense has to intrude. Sometimes the passions of the moment only serve to damage us in the long term if we are not careful, prudent, and wise. Literature is inspiring; if it weren’t I would care enough to try to be a writer. Activity is important for my state of mind and sense of independence. But if I hurt myself further, that will put me out of the game longer. Work is great because it pays the bills, but too much of it leaves no time for the real life it’s meant to help support.

And so it goes. A little temperance, a little equanimity, and some thoughtful progress will get me further than brash, heedless charging.

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~ by Darren Endymion on February 22, 2016.

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