It’s Almost HERE!

I have the potential to be a great worrier. It’s sincerely annoying, and it’s something I need to reign in because I often allow it to limit me and my choices. It has tried to kick me in the teeth lately, but I had a moment where it all came clear. In that moment of clarity, you know what I said to myself?

“Not today, bitch-brain!”

Today is Monday. On Thursday I’m leaving work an hour early. My roommate will be picking me up from work and driving me the 15ish minutes to the airport. I have never been on a plane in my life. Well…that’s a lie. My mother told me that she and I took a trip to Washington (from California) on a plane. I was 10 months old. I probably cried and pissed everyone off. Since then, all my vast (ha!) travelling has been within driving distance and to dry, hot places. I hate dry, I hate the heat, but I don’t mind long drives since I have always been the passenger.

In recent times, my pathetic travels have taken me to Palm Springs, California and Las Vegas, Nevada. I have also been to Arizona, but when I was much younger. Hot, hot, and hot. I enjoyed every trip, even as a kid, but it wasn’t what I wanted to do, or where I wanted to go, and it certainly wasn’t the temperature I wanted to deal with.

Getting back to my trip, my roommate has offered to walk me through as much as he can, but after a time, I will be left on my own. I will go through security alone, I will board alone, I will fly for the first time ever (which I will be alone for), I will land alone, I will get off alone, I will call the hotel alone, get on the shuttle alone, check into the hotel alone…and then I will be in the city for 3 full days, 2 half days, and 4 nights.


That all should terrify me. But it doesn’t. I should be worried that my leg is still funky and doesn’t work the way I want it to, even if it is getting better (however slowly). I should be worried that I have no real destination — I’m not job or apartment hunting (though if I come by both, I wouldn’t turn the opportunity down). That doesn’t scare me. I actually want to check out the night life, which does worry me because I don’t know who that social person is. I don’t give a shit about the nightlife where I am and haven’t since…I can’t even remember when. I want to visit some of the landmarks and see the city. That DOES worry me because public transportation is difficult with my leg and I don’t want to spend a fortune on Uber. Not only that, but my hotel is far away from everything I want to do.

But I don’t care. I’m not worried. I can and will pay for Uber. I’ll stand on the bus, since my leg only really freaks out when I relax and then stand up. I will eat out, I will walk, I will enjoy the 60-70 degree day weather and the 40-50 degree nights, I will enjoy the clouds and the forecasted rain. I will enjoy the people and being social (something I rarely indulge in where I live). I will enjoy myself. I’m there with one purpose — to experience the life there. That entails the climate, the people, the city. To see how I like it. To see if I can live there.

If I do? When I get back here, the real search starts. I will immediately look for a job, an apartment, a way out of here and a portal there. Worried or not, scared or not — and believe me, I am — it doesn’t matter. I will get out, I will find the bravery, and I will start anew.

The saying goes, “Today is the first day of the rest of your life.” On Thursday it will feel truer than it ever has in my life. And I can’t wait.


~ by Darren Endymion on April 11, 2016.

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