Misery’s Company

Last entry I mentioned that I had figured out why I have been stalling and not doing anything — and I mean anything — to forward my life. That means writing, going out, looking for another job, looking for another place to live, visiting the state I want to move to…nothing. I would constantly deride myself to do these things, but I just haven’t done them.

I’ve been honest (perhaps too much so) about occasional bouts of depression, but that comes and goes. Misery is a state of being, and it isn’t until I really took a step back, got totally out of where I was and looked at where I came from and where I had to return to, that I fully realized how bad it is.

I’m taken back to that quote from Anne Rice’s Wolves of Midwinter, which I’ve mentioned here before. The father is talking to his son and says, “Why don’t people do what they really want to do…why do we settle for what makes us profoundly unhappy? Why do we accept that happiness just isn’t possible?” It wasn’t until I got out of where I am for a solo vacation that I realized how profoundly unhappy I am, and it took me all of one single day back to fully realize what causes the misery.

Whether you believe in the astrological ramifications or not, Mercury is retrograde at the moment. Astrologers say that communications, transportation, technology, etc. are all challenged during this time. Belief doesn’t matter at this point, because I use it as a chance to look back and see what’s going on, where I’ve been, and compare it all to where I want to go.

However, things have been odd…like good. They seem to have gone back in time to when they were good (also something that happens during Mercury retrograde). Moments from the past come up to kick you right in the taint with nostalgia. This has happened and helps put things in perspective. For one, a movie I went to see the first time I ever hung out with an old friend is turning 20 goddamned years old. People at work have started to go back to the way they were — good and bad, but mostly good. Lots of other little things have happened, but tonight was the kicker. I was watching an old episode of Bar Rescue on my DVR, and I’ll be goddamned if I didn’t see an old, old, old friend. It was nice, however vicariously, even voyeuristically, to see her again and good to know that she’s doing well.

It made me think about all that has happened in the past 6 billion years and to see that there were times, and a great many of them, which were wonders of happiness. When we become so mired in the present, we fail to see the good, the road we’ve been on, and sometimes think that our present course is all that there is, that there is no other way.

Totally false. Complete bullshit. At the risk of acting like some illegitimate Pollyanna, I don’t believe that there is no other way, or that our current trajectories of misery are fixed. Realizing the staggering extent of my own state, of how long it has lasted, about how hopeless I was becoming, and about how I allowed it to not only become this way but to remain so, I am better equipped to fix it. So…I’m fixing it.


~ by Darren Endymion on May 5, 2016.

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