The Inertia of Change

Inertia. That’s how you could describe a great deal of my life up until now. I let things happen — constantly waiting for the tides to change, to bring me the things I need, rather than just setting sail on my own. I think things are never going to change…until they do.

My writing has faltered, and that shocks me utterly. When I’m on fire for something, it doesn’t get pushed back — it consumes me. However, when you’re hunkered down, dreading each day, it’s difficult to create anything that isn’t tainted by the darkness inside you. Some would say that pain can lead to great creations and can be a catharsis. I agree with this to an extent but there’s nothing more humiliating and saddening to go back and see the horrors of your day to day life put into your writing, something you might otherwise have enjoyed.

Work is a dire, evil place. The work itself isn’t bad at all — it’s the people and the incessant backbiting of my team. I’ve been at that place for many years and had many teams I’ve had to work with, and there has never been another group of people that even approaches this level of fuckery. The obvious solution is to get out, but having been there for so long, it has really become my entire horizon of work experience — all I see before me and all I see behind. Sailing beyond that horizon is a terrifying dream, a tantalizing sweetness fraught with danger and unknown promise.

Then there’s the living situation. Where I live is cheap, but…well, that’s a bit too much to go into and doesn’t really bear repeating. We can focus on the climate here in Southern California and the constant heat, the wretched Santa Ana winds, the dearth of trees and scenery that isn’t a crowded beach (still gorgeous) or desert-related. We can also focus on how much I hate it and want to get out.

When you are convinced that real happiness isn’t coming to you, when you are stuck in that cycle of doing things and being in places that make you profoundly unhappy, it’s hard to break free from it.

Until life gets sick of your shit.

Sometimes the Universe comes along and kicks you in the shins and makes you jump up and fix life…while pushing your ass into the deep end without water wings and telling you to swim to shore.

From making friends with my work arch-nemesis and talking things out in a way we haven’t done in years, to a friend being admitted to the hospital, to a nostalgic (not entirely unpleasant) hit in the face regarding a former crush, to learning the truth behind a lost romantic opportunity, to a glimpse of how the publishing world works a bit more, to receiving my novel sales receipt and realizing not all is lost, I have, in the past three days, come to appreciate a great deal that I wasn’t in a place to just last week.

I think of it as taking cover during a hailstorm. I’ve been moving forward slowly, as though I’m testing the road for pitfalls, when this great storm of fifteen different things storms down all at once. My travels are paused while I take cover. Now that the storm is getting lighter I can get my little ass on that road again.

Someday I’m gonna look back on all this and think that I didn’t do all that I could, that I prolonged the negative experience by coming in out of the hail, and that I allowed these issues to stop me from moving forward. However, I’m certain that I will look back on these last few days as when something changed. And I’ll always have compassion for what I went through, while being so very grateful that it’s over and wonder inwardly how I managed to keep it all together. Then I’ll toast to the journey…and being on the other side of it.

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~ by Darren Endymion on May 9, 2016.

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