And so it Begins

I should have known. Circumstances being what they are (and my dear friend Merrot being who she is), things have catapulted forward at a ridiculous pace.

I had plans, I really did. I was going to do this fast (for me) but I was giving myself until the end of summer (keep in mind that in Southern California, it’s summer until about mid-October, usually. September is not autumn; it’s the hottest month of the year for us). Now it seems as though I won’t even see August here…if things work out as we are planning and hoping. I mean, if things go well, I might be at my goal in about a month.

That should make me elated and happy and rolling around in my own emissions from joy. Instead, I’m torn. I am thrilled, anxious, happy, miserable, nervous, and sad all at once. Too many emotions. I may actually, physically explode. Of course, I hear Hermione in my head, “…just because YOU have the emotional range of a teaspoon…” No, Hermione, relax. It’s that this is a big deal.

However, I read something Jennifer Lawrence once said that I find remarkably apt at the moment. She said, “But when you get a promotion at your job, you don’t go, ‘That was too fast. Can I stay in the mailroom a while longer?’ You take it.” Yeah, pretty much. This is something I’ve wanted for years, and it’s finally happening. The Tower is crumbling, I’ve got someone to go with me (which I had never hoped for before), and I can drop everything and just go because of how frugal and smart with money I have been.

Long ago, I sat and thought about why I’m miserable and imagined a life without those elements. I came up with three things: work, home life, and the wretched, incessant, 7 months of summer we get in Southern California. (For those new here, I loathe the heat with a burning passion that makes Satan’s testes look like pendulous ice cubes.) Fixing just about any one of them would make my life incalculably better. But why aim low? If you have the stars in your reach, why not grab them? Why settle for a low-flying pigeon when you can grasp the galaxy?

What if…bear with me here…what if I changed ALL THREE THINGS? What if I changed all the things making me miserable? When I imagined that, mentally put myself in that place, my head exploded (figuratively speaking. Obviously.) No more toxic work environment, fighting for everything? No more drug addled, unpredictable ex hanging around? No kind but explosively tempered, enabling roommate? Not being embarrassed to bring friends or *ahem* other people around? Being able to afford apartment rent and still eat? (To those in Southern California, I hear that’s called “good cost of living”. I can’t explain it. You’ll have to look it up. Have the people in New York help you; they have no idea, either.) And finally…to experience real seasons? To have only three months of summer, and mild ones at that? To be in a green place of nature and trees and water and socially minded folk? To have a real autumn — like where it’s chilly and windy and the leaves actually change colors?

I know that there is bullshit everywhere. No work is perfect. No roommate situation is without strife. No social interaction is without the potential of people being assholes. Constant cold and real rain might wear on me after a few yea…centuries. You never know. But those are the things I can change to make myself happy.

So it begins. And I’m not putting the breaks on. Wish me well.


~ by Darren Endymion on June 20, 2016.

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