Declarations of Lunacy

My last full day in the state is this Thursday. You’d expect the social calendar to fill up a bit, but it has been a little crazy. All the emotional outbursts are expected — I will miss my friends and they will miss me. It’s sad and nice that there is so much love in my life.

What I did not want and frankly is making my last days here both irritating and awkward are certain…declarations.

An old friend I have known for years has recently had a tumultuous divorce. He and I dated for something like 35 minutes and it quickly became apparent that we not only have little in common, but that any extended time spent together would end in a murder conviction for the one remaining. He tried to kiss me one night recently when we were drinking, but I had to push him away and tell him no. When I told him that I was moving, he acted like I had just pulled the carpet out from under him and then hit him with it. Today at work I got 5 texts where he told me that he wants to hang out with me, but alone and away from our other friends. He said that he feels differently for me than the others do. The last text was the bomb. “I love you and have for years!” Well, shit.

I tried to convince myself that I took that in a way that wasn’t intended, but he confirmed it later. The problem is that not one single molecule of me feels the same way about him, and I feel absolutely no attraction to him.

Then my ex. Ugh. There’s a saga in and of itself. He has been trying to push me away for a while. No biggie. One of the perks of leaving here is that I won’t have to deal with him anymore.

When I told him that I got an apartment, he responded with, “What…why?!”. The movers came this weekend and when my ex saw my empty room, he just stared, looking like someone had sucker punched him. Now, he’s all warm and wants to hang out tomorrow and needs to talk to me and has asked me if I think he can ever fall in love (via text, this last. What the fuck, people?!). That he won’t let me go without making up. That he loves me. That he’s still in love with me and was trying to distance himself from me and it’s him, not me.

Between the two of them, I’m mentally exhausted. I want to be kind and delicate (and thankfully neither of them knows about this blog), I want to address their feelings with candor and gentle honesty. However, to steal a line, I also want to kick them in the nuts so hard that they get lodged in their fucking nostrils.

Why now, when I have three days left in the state? Why did they take it for granted that I would always be here and it was therefore acceptable to stay quiet? What if I felt the same way (I don’t) and we could have been having these wonderful lives together (we couldn’t) and would be happier than we’ve ever been (though they say murder can be cathartic, I’m not about to live like I’m part of the Manson Family). If they knew I don’t feel that way, is this a way of dumping it on me so they feel better? I care about these people, but why now?

To make matters lighter, my best friend with whom I am moving said this: First one, now the other…I don’t know if I can live with a sex magnet. *cackle* I might have to stay here and take my chances with the Crazy Chicken Lady.

To which I responded: To know me is to love me. Don’t try to resist, bitch. Hahaha.

Now, if only I could meet a hot, sane, smart guy and use my siren song to reel his sexy ass in.

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~ by Darren Endymion on August 16, 2016.

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