Aimless

After achieving a huge goal it’s natural to feel rather aimless. I’m feeling that right now in ways I never thought I would suffer from. I literally feel like I have nothing to do.

Sure, I have plenty of things to do. I have unpacking, the total rearranging of my room, the tossing of what seems like a billion boxes, but that’s not a BIG goal. It’s one that will drive me insane over time, but it’s not anything serious. I recently got the renewal contract for my novel, but I was told by my editor that I might be able to negotiate a new cover (please!) and a new edit. Sign me up. There is my whole writing career that I would actually like to tend to. There is a social life to live…but at the moment, none of that is urgent enough to give me purpose.

Here’s how I see it:

My life in the past several years was a torment, a chore, something to be endured rather than experienced. Yes, that sounds dramatic and it is to an extent. Let’s modify it and say that almost no existence is devoid of happiness and light, but the past several years were incredibly challenging — more so than I want to go into right now. I decided that in order to be happy, I needed to abandon certain things in my life. I was wrong. I needed to flee some things and just alter others. It took years to get to the point where I was able to do it, and it was a struggle, an act of sheer willpower, and took a dedicated savings habit that would make Scrooge McDuck give me a loan. Now I’m here. The changes have been made. My life is everything I wanted it to be and more. There is so much potential in my life right now.

And I don’t know what to do.

Think of it like riding a storm surge after being in a horrible shipwreck, stumbling on a wave the size of a three-story building. When you land safely, against all odds, you look around stunned and elated…and then you wonder what’s next. Where’s the next wave? And does the next one need to come after such hardship?

So, there I am. I’m on that beach, the skies are clearing, I’m not only safe but secure and happy and in a better place than I have been in years. I’m looking around for that next wave, still stunned that I’m alive and have made it this far.

This time, however, I don’t plan to ride a tidal wave. I’ll stick to something fun and challenging that will make me grow — and has less of a chance of dashing me to bits under its swell. If I’m a little aimless in the meantime, that only to be expected.

And it’s only temporary.

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~ by Darren Endymion on August 29, 2016.

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