Goals and Anchors

The aftermath of having a big change in your life can go one of two ways, I think. It can motivate you to keep the ball rolling and make all the changes in the world. Another way is that you hunker down and say, “Okay, that was a lot of bullcrap. Let’s calm down and see how the land lies.”

I have found myself on the latter side. I had hoped I wouldn’t be; I had hoped that I would keep the proverbial ball rolling. I have not. I have been trying to balance the disappointment in myself with the knowledge that it hasn’t even been a month yet. I’m thinking that as long as I don’t stay anchored to my past and those methods of life and actually make progress, I will be good.

There are, of course, several negatives.

— Due to circumstances beyond my control, I have questioned the possibility of writing anything new because there are some barriers with my publisher’s situation.

— One of those things is a possible (though now unlikely) new edit and (hopefully) new cover for my first novel. I’m putting off the second novel because of the things I mentioned as well as the potential work I will have to do on the first.

— I’m having dreams that are pissing me off. They are either hurtful or angering and are clearly dealing with some issues that I have pushed down and haven’t deal with fully. Some of this is separation anxiety from everything I have ever known and is therefore excusable. But constantly waking up miserable or pissed off is draining.

On the positive side, there are signs that I’m growing and am pulling up anchor.

— My legs are stronger every day due to all the stairs. We’re having a bout of warmth again, but low 80s and high 70s are nothing compared to what I’m used to. The leaves are starting to change off in the distance. Soon I won’t be able to resist venturing outside more and I will walk out there again, music or an audio book playing away.

— I’ve made progress with the boxes, have planned out my room, and know how I’m going to go about sorting and getting rid of the other things I have accumulated and no longer need.

— My imagination is perking again, and stories are peeking around the backstage curtains of my mind — some old friends as well as some nebulous others I haven’t had the fortune of getting to know yet. None of them are ready to take center stage, but the theater is being dusted, the sound is being checked, and the lights are being replaced. Soon.

— The shock of everything has totally changed my schedule. I’ve also been afraid to go out to more than one or two places (though those places have provided me with…well, let’s not talk about all that. *licentious grin*). All this is stirring and changing.

Overall, I think my anchor is still in Southern California, and I’m picking it up and transferring it here. After having that mental anchor moved here (when it all really starts to seem real and not like a long-ass vacation), I will be able to float around and discover the new waters I find myself in. I’m too stubborn, too strong, and too tenacious to stay aimless for long. My little ass did not move 850 miles away to better my situation (which I have, tremendously) only to get into another rut. Screw that.

This place had better look out. I’m getting my shoes on and getting ready. *grin*

~ by Darren Endymion on September 12, 2016.

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