The Wheel Derailed

Many people, both past and present, see life like a great big wheel. You are the center and life happens around the edges with good and bad times, but you, the essential you, never changes. Yet the Wheel itself represents changes, ups and downs, and an ever altering state of mind. Sometimes, you set the wheel rolling in one direction and something comes up to stop it or derail it. Honestly, I don’t think that you can derail it too much. It’s like that power of karma that you and your intentions set into motion. That’s not to say that your life is predestined — I don’t believe that at all — but your thoughts and actions and intentions and choices lead you along a path. My grandmother was fond of saying that thoughts are things, essentially that what you put out into the world becomes your reality. You put that intent out there and your life is shaped accordingly, both good and bad.

I kicked my wheel down a ramp of intentions built up over two to three years.

I’m not good with change, but I knew that this move and all these changes would be best for me. I wasn’t wrong. However, because I’m not good with change, I have unwittingly tried to kick that wheel off course. Actually, that’s not entirely fair to me. I have kicked ass. However, in the guise of trying to “settle in” I have managed to stop the wheel’s progress.

Physically I am here in this new place in Oregon, 850 miles away from everything I have ever known. However, there is plenty of work to be done, and I’m just not doing it. There are boxes to take out, there is a room to organize, and there are boxes and totes to empty out. And I’m not doing it.

By not unpacking, essentially, I am keeping my emotional and mental anchor back in California. By not removing the empty boxes, I am tethering myself to the past because it means I’m still in transit, still not quite here. By not rearranging my room, I am keeping my life transitory.

I am slowing the wheel through my own inaction, with thoughts of, “I have plenty of time. I’m fine.” What happens when you slow a rolling wheel? The forward momentum is stopped or the wheel topples over. It is derailed.

I did not change my whole life, move 850 miles away, leave my friends, change everything outwardly only to fall into a new rut. And tomorrow I start to change it all. The worst part is over; I’m here. Now I just need to clean up a little and put the wheel back on its tracks.

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~ by Darren Endymion on September 15, 2016.

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