Vacation Revelations

Being away from the awfulness that was my life back in California, I have lost a great deal of the urgency with…well, everything. I’ve barely explored the city I have been aching to move to for over 3 years, I go out only under duress, I’m not chatting much, I’m not actively writing, I’m not meditating to find inner wisdom…I’m really just relaxing.

Something had changed inside of me, and to sort of find out what that was, I took some days off work. This is when I noticed a difference. When I took days off in California, I felt pressured in a way. If I did not write, clean, relax, tour Middle Earth, watch movies, conjure up Elphaba for afternoon tea, go out, clean, lose 5 pounds, learn how to turn into a merman, meditate, play a video game from start to finish, discover the lost continent of Atlantis, and read three books, I would feel as though I had wasted my time off and had essentially squandered all the wonderful things in the Universe.  It was as if I was so pressured to squeeze more than my fair share of productivity and love and happiness out of a single day off that anything less than impossible perfection felt like I was only…aging. Nothing more.

Blaming work and my sequestered social life, I expected to detox from the negativity, rise up like Phoenix from the water, declare I was fire and life incarnate, and then descend into the tenebrous  morass that encompassed my life. The pressure I put on myself was both immense and utterly unrealistic. What I would normally end up doing is popping in my headphones to drown out the nonsense, point my fan at my taint, and space out, daydreaming of a better life. You couldn’t even call this positive visualization. It wasn’t anything as fancy or pretentious as all that. It was nothing more than wasting time, wishing for something better and doing absolutely nothing to make that dreamy future come about.

Since arriving here little more than two months ago, I have detoxed. Under little pressure to do anything, I allowed myself to relax and let the poison leech itself from my psyche, however theatrical that sounds. You know what I found? All those things I used to pressure myself to do started to become not chores, but things I wanted to do in a mild sense. I took Friday through Tuesday off and discovered something else. In the midst of that break, I found myself looking forward to doing all those things I felt duty-bound to do before. I’ve accomplished a great deal in a short period of time. I wasted time, had a Hunger Games marathon, and relaxed…and did not get down on myself for one moment.

I explain it this way — I’m in a better place, and that has allowed me to return to myself, to live and even thrive rather than struggle to exist while drowning in a potent and problematic mix of despair and rage. I’m happy. Do you have any idea how long it’s been since I have been able to say that and really mean it?

Here’s the thing — I’m happy, but not content or satisfied. There’s so much I need to do and am actually, genuinely excited to do. Now that I am not fighting just for emotional equilibrium, thinking anything better might be forever lost to me, and now that I am in a place of normality and calm, I can move forward, truly progress in life.

It’s about damned time.

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~ by Darren Endymion on November 15, 2016.

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