Anchored to Sorrow?

Does the human soul seek out what it’s used to, even if those things are bad for it? I’ve heard that, in relationships, we attract not who we think we deserve, but rather who we feel we deserve. Isn’t that an extension of the same principle? Conversely, if we are in a good situation, will we change the circumstances to fit our possibly jaundiced view of the world, or will we change our expectations to aim for the positive?

Hope can be painful, usually when it is snatched away. For those who hope and have it smashed, the inclination is to either set your expectations lower or to abandon hope and all the paths to it entirely. Hope makes one vulnerable, it exposes your underbelly, it’s the chink in your armor, the missing scale in a dragon’s breast.

I wondered this recently. I went for a walk, something I haven’t done enough of since moving here. December may have started, but autumn is holding onto its tenacious grip on the surroundings here. I passed a bush whose leaves were a bright orange and red. I stopped to admire a towering tree with leaves such a bright, vibrant red and red orange, that it looked like a parody of autumn, more like a drawing of flames on a tree, almost too vivid to be real. The sky overhead was slate gray and roiling, threatening to drop rain on me at any moment. The temperature couldn’t have been higher than 50 degrees. These are things I have desired to be immersed in, things I have wanted for years, possibly my whole life.

It was too much. I swear, I thought I was going to cry right out there on the street. It wasn’t just the beauty around me, it wasn’t just that I’ve wanted this forever, it was that so many of my problems have evaporated, and this is what’s left — this beauty, this scenery, this lack of problems, and this ease of wellbeing.

I find myself getting mad at stupid things. I get riled up over small stuff that would never bother me before. Is it that these things bothered me before and I was just besieged by more significant things? Or is it that I am finding problems and blowing them up because anger and stress and negativity are all I’m used to? Am I filling myself with directionless anger, latching it to myself like an anchor, a counterweight to all this beauty and unfamiliar happiness? Or am I stronger than that, and will I cut this anchor loose and allow myself to climb to greater happiness?

Fear kills hope. It is my job to defeat fear and to cut this anchor loose.


~ by Darren Endymion on December 5, 2016.

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