Breaking the Window to the Past

I have recently moved 850+ miles away from the areas I have always lived and I didn’t have time to really go through my storage, so I had to take everything with me. I will be moving to a better place, blissfully alone, relying only on myself when my lease is up — which will be better on my pocketbook and my psyche.

I am still working to improve my physical strength, but the fact of the matter is that I will need movers, and I want to really go through all my junk and downsize, thereby making the movers cost less. Besides, I just want to have less crap. I have so many old papers and diaries that I considered just shredding them all and being done with it. However, I moved here not only because I wanted to be in a beautiful place I could afford (which I easily could, were my friend/roommate living up to even one-seventh of her financial obligations), but because I want to change and grow.

In the to-be-destroyed papers I found years of journals. I mean about eleven years, up to the point when I stopped journaling. When I started again, it was all in Word documents, mostly written at work as stress relief so I didn’t choke someone out.

Rather than outright destroy them, I decided to skim/read these old time capsules. I’ve read exactly four of them, and the embarrassment is almost too much to bear.

Even keeping in mind that I was a very young person at that time, the folly of youth is really too much to bear all these years later. Who isn’t embarrassed at their younger selves, though? I didn’t expect to escape this growth experiment with my ego unscathed. What’s terrible to behold are the patterns in my life that were visible even then.

When you’ve spent so long forming bad habits, or rather not breaking them, what can you do, really? Why would this attempt be any different than the others? Is being aware of them and their far-reaching damage enough motivation to finally break them? I mean, I knew they had been around for a while, but seeing them there on paper really brought them home in a way that I couldn’t have anticipated. How do you break patterns that old? Did I give up in the past? What made me do it? Did I think I was so young and had all the time in the world?

Well, now is the time of change. I moved away from every landmark I’ve ever known and from all but one person I’ve ever known. I’m moving again in a few months and this move will be even better than the last, since it will be less uncertain and more secure in many ways, and though I love my friend and roommate, I will be moving away from her. More solitude, more freedom, more time to change, untethered from all the landmarks of my past. So, in a way, maybe these journals are a window into my past, and now I’m given a way to look through it and to finally break through its confines.

~ by Darren Endymion on March 28, 2017.

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