A year ago this week I took a vacation to a place I have wanted to live my entire life, and was actively pursuing for about four years.
Last year I was still living in California, renting a room from a very nice older man and, rather unpleasantly, my ex had moved into the room across the hall from me. Honestly, it was like we were still together, but with open infidelity, hostility, avoidance, and the pain of watching him really sort of throw his life away. What made it so hard is that there was still very strong love between us.
Last year I was also in the office, working in an environment that was getting progressively more and more toxic. I had salvaged one work relationship and was maintaining most of the others…but frankly I could have smacked 80% of my team with a frozen salmon and then pushed them down a flight of stairs — not necessarily because of what they were doing to me, but because they are all adults and acted like bitter, disenfranchised, spoiled middle-schoolers.
So, I visited this city and within a day I knew that I had to live here. I was prepared to quit my job, move, and live off what was at the time a decent savings until I could find a job. The city was bursting with greenery and spring and beauty and promise and hope. I walked around like I was on a cloud, like there was nothing in the world that could bring me down.
When I returned to California, I hit the ground running, and things lined up for me in a sychronistic way that told me this is exactly where I should have been. I eventually found a place, I decided to drag one of my best friends with me, and then things happened with my job.
I went to give my two week’s notice, and talked to my supervisor about being able to work from home in another state. It went all the way to our vice president, who said yes. We were about to be transferred to another department, unknown to me, and all of them said yes. Had I moved even a month earlier, I would not have had that security of the new department being consulted. Had I tried two months later, I would have been in a new department with new people who didn’t know me or my work as well, and I would never have been able to move with this job.
Since then…things haven’t been so great. My friend who I brought with me (with the stated understanding that she had 2-3 months to get a better job and start paying rent) has had a series of bad jobs or failed attempts at good jobs that has left me paying for everything since we arrived — including our move. Some of it may be negligence, entitlement, lack of urgency, I don’t know what, but it has been breaking me and causing my savings to dwindle further and further. The possibility of home ownership is slipping as my savings balance falls. I have been promised that payment will be made, so I hold on to hope despite my reservations of it happening. When my lease is up, I will be moving alone and the hemorrhaging of money will stop and I can turn back the tides, but whereas I might have been able to own a home starting this year, I may have to wait another year. Or two. Or more.
The only thing that has stemmed the damage to my savings has been overtime. We moved departments and the new place ignored my frantic calls to action. Things got out of hand and my team has been working 50-60 hours a week since December. I have been working 6 days a week for 4.5 months now. I am just now starting to get help from my friend and roommate, but that help is inconsistent at best.
I have not been able to go out often or buy rain gear (for a place where it rains over 50% of the year) or even really eat out or have friends over — because I’m broke and this apartment was not built with privacy in mind. I’ve lost the hope I once had. I feel like I’m crawling uphill with no help as all my hopes fall to the axe of realism. I’ve not been able to go out or make friends or do anything, and my constant state of anger and depression and anxiety over paying bills I shouldn’t have to pay alone is taking its toll and makes me unsociable and unfit for human company.
So, I decided on a Reset Vacation. Since the overtime started, I put away $50 here, $25 there. I cut back on the few bills I hadn’t already cut back on. I stopped some things totally and stopped eating out all the time. Slowly, slowly, I put away enough money for another vacation. I almost didn’t take it. Do you know how much that money could help me in other areas? But I did it, I pre-paid for the hotel — the same one I stayed in when I was here last year. It seems absurd, but it’s about hope, about recapturing what I want from my life here and in general. It’s seeing how far I’ve come in a year and knowing I can last four more months. It’s about finding my mental equilibrium again. It’s about the possibility of happiness, of forcing myself to get away, to look up and see the light at the end of this tunnel.
Things worked too perfectly for me getting here. I feel that this is a good place in every part of my body and soul. This is only the trial before the bliss. I know that. I just have to believe it again, to not give up, to take 4 whole days off, to get away from this oppressive place.
It’s about finding hope. And that’s priceless.
Posted in Corporate America, Dreams, Friendship, Health, Life, Update
Tags: advice, blowing my savings, changes, determination, entitlement, exhausted, financial troubles, friendship, I can do this, light at the end of the tunnel, overtime, overwhelmed, sad, uphill battle, work
7 Writing Rules: #5 Avoid Reviews
•January 30, 2017 • Leave a CommentSome people say that reading reviews can help to give you a pick me up (the good ones) or can serve as an indication of things you can improve on (both good and bad) or that you can take the criticism and toughen yourself up (the bad). There is truth in this, but I wouldn’t recommend it. In fact, if you absolutely have to read reviews of your book, start with Amazon, or see which official critics in your genre might have reviewed it and read them. Are they always right? Nope. Are they often unfair? They sure are. Is there anything you can do about it? Nope.
Let’s get this out of the way here and now. If you are an author or you are thinking of being one, prepare to let go of Goodreads, if you happen to have an attachment to it. The vitriol on that site is not only unbecoming, it’s overwhelming. There are some amazing people who put their hearts and souls into their honest, mature reviews, and to those people I apologize for saying this. However, the entire basket has been spoiled almost beyond redemption by those who imagine that authors are not people, that real analysis or reviews are secondary to their attempts to be hostile and hateful, and that the whole point of a review is to be as sarcastic and degrading as possible.
Example: Joan D. Vinge’s novel The Snow Queen won the Hugo Award for best science fiction novel the year it came out. One man reviewed it on Goodreads saying, “Women can’t write science fiction, and I’ll fuck anyone who says differently.” The rest of his review went on to dissolve any notions that this was meant to be some sort of joke.
Example: Some remedial hag reviewed Bram Stoker’s Dracula, giving it one star because she “hates epistolary novels.” She went on to claim that this classic was overrated and stupid because of this one thing…then admitted to not finishing it.
Have you ever read the comments section of the average Yahoo article? Do it. There comes a point when some people cross the line into being a contrarian, where they must always be against something. You could have an article about a man rescuing an abandoned puppy from drowning in a storm drain, and you will get a variety of reactions: most would laud the man for his compassion and/or curse the original owners for not taking proper are of the puppy. However, there will be some who turn it into a political debate. There are others who say that writing that article was a waste of time because there are more important things out there. There are then the obvious sociopaths who talk about how the man should have let the puppy die because of overpopulation, because of evolutionary law, or because they hate dogs. Others will criticize the man for not minding his business.
Goodreads is disproportionately full of these last types of people. Essentially, these people are trolling. Reviews can be good. They can teach you things, but they can also tear you apart. It’s not about being weak or having a thick skin, it’s about not letting that interfere with you. More than anything, it’s about trusting yourself, your muse, your publisher, your well-chosen and honest beta readers, and your loved ones. If there’s something wrong with the novel, it is your job and the job of those people I just mentioned to tell you and help you through it.
Avoid the reviews. Trust yourself and your support system, not some stranger who simply wants to seem clever or to release aggression or to be a contrarian troll. You are better than that and don’t need that validation.
Posted in Dreams, Life, Reviews, Writing
Tags: Dracula, internet trolls, novel, reviews, ridiculous reviews, The Snow Queen, vitriol, work, Writing, writing rules, Yahoo comments